my christmas wish - for my brother - come home, come home

come home, come home
please forgive
please let grace abide
no room for bitterness
no room for stubbornness
no room for anger
no room
unconditional love awaits
it never left
even though hearts broke
into a million little pieces
please try to understand
the illness
no one's fault
let the One mend our pain
let the One mend our anger
let the One mend our stubbornness
give the One our past
give the One our bitterness
let it fly far, far away
into the abyss
unconditional love awaits
arms are wide open
let the One heal our family bond
before there are deep regrets
before it's too late
life is precious
it is a gift
a gift to our future generations
please come home
come home
that is my Christmas wish

***Epilogue: I love how the writing process works. This post began very differently. I was to write about my observations at a recent cousin's funeral, where their family was shattered because of unforgiveness. I was deeply moved. I am the peacemaker in my family so, I decided to write to my brother via this blog regarding some of our familial dysfunction. It was somewhat accusatory. However, a still small voice within kept saying these words to me, "come home, come home." So here is how that still small voice directed me! I have no idea if my brother even reads my blog but somewhere out there I hope he is listening with openness. I chose this pic to go along with this post because my dear sweet "S" is the essence of "home" here on earth where unconditional love, forgiveness and grace abide. Peace. May God's peace abide in our lives forever.***

Olympic Torch Run

The air was cold and crisp yet somehow refreshing as I eagerly walked towards the spot where the Olympic Torch would be passing through my community(it was actually right up the street from where I live) on that early winter morning (5:30 am Thursday December 17th to be exact)! I didn't want to miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the Olympic Torch on its trek across Canada in anticipation of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. I was dressed in my finest Canadian winter attire: layers of thermals, wool socks, toque, parka, mitts, gortex boots, pajamas ( well that is not standard wear but I had just jumped out of bed and headed out the door...I would shower later for work)!

I was surprised to see so many people out supporting our athletes this early in the morning. The media were out and about. In fact, my favourite early morning news show, "Breakfast Television" was broadcasting live so I was thrilled. What I didn't know was one of the show's hosts would be the torchbearer for this leg of the run.

Finally, the Olympic entourage arrived at our spot. Equipped with our Canadian flags we began cheering for the athletes and torchbearers. It was exciting. I should have been a journalist because I was able to be the first on scene to capture a snap of CP24's Breakfast Television host Ann Rohmer who had just been passed the torch from the former runner. Unfortunately, I was not able to stay to see it lit because I had to walk home and get ready for work. I actually had to crawl my way out of the crowd that had gathered around Ann. But I could see the Olympic Torch flame flying high in the distance as I walked home. I felt proud to be a Canadian at that moment. I love how the Olympics bring people, communities, and nations together in peace for a brief moment in time. Congratulations to our Canadian Olympic athletes. Go get 'em eh!!

Here I am dressed and ready to go!

Don't laugh at me:)

It had snowed the day before. I love walking in the snow!

Part of the Olympic Torch Run entourage. I still haven't figured out how to take clear pics in darkness with my camera so thus the blurry pics.

Ann Rohmer, one of the Torchbearers

An Encouraging Thought for Today...

"I will sing aloud of Thy steadfast love in the morning. O my Strength, I will sing praises to Thee, for Thou, O God, art my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."
(Psalm 59: 16a, 17)

(Dunluce Castle Fortress, Northern Ireland, July 2008)

Go into this day with the full assurance of My love. Let no cloud of doubt stand between us, for My heart is open to you. Your faith is small and weak, and your wounds are many. But I am with you to bind up, cheer up, and raise up a soul to My glory.

(Echoes of Eternity: Listening to the Father, Volume Two, Hal M. Helms )

Taking matters into my own hands...Part 2

Lesson learned. My sign worked. YEAH! No one blocked me in all week, even when we had our first snowstorm of the season on Wednesday. I even noticed some of these parents are finding a more appropriate parking spot, not ideal, but at least they are not blocking any cars! Whew!

Taking matters into my own hands...

***update below***

I decided to take matters into my own hands this morning. For 3 months, I have been dealing with parents who decide they want to avoid the "kiss and ride" line when picking up their children from school. Instead, they feel it is better to block staff cars so we cannot leave. ( I should mention here that our school is a "walking" school, which means all our student population live within walking distance. However, for some strange reason, parents who only live across the street, decide it is easier to get in their car and drive their children to school! It makes for a VERY chaotic parking lot. Whatever happened to walking your child to school. Ugh!)

Every day after work in order for me to be able to leave, I have to use my megaphone voice and detective skills to try to locate the parent who has decided to park their car illegally in front of my car thus blocking me in. (phew...that is a mouthful!) Administration has tried to correct this problem but these parents are not getting the message. I was EXTREMELY irate yesterday when I was blocked in for 15 minutes because we could not locate the parent who owned the car. I literally was almost ready to either kick his car so the alarm would sound and he would come running or get in my car and ram my way through! (Ididn't want my collision insurance to go up so I decided against the ramming!)

When my Principal finally located this man, he didn't even apologize. And most importantly, he didn't recognize he was illegally parked. You cannot block other cars so they cannot get out. What if there was an emergency? He was sooo rude to me. I have been more than polite to these parents ( most are the fathers) and am extremely appalled they show such disrespect to me. I understand it is cultural, but we are living in Canada now and women are respected in this country.

To try to remedy this frustrating problem, I came up with a great idea - so I thought. Here is what I did today...




I was eagerly anticipating the end of the day to see if anyone would dare block me in with my bright pink laminated sign taped to my car.

Guess what?

I WAS blocked in, but this time the parent was in the car. I could not believe my eyes. ***deep sigh*** He had the gall to say to me, " you can't post a sign like that on your car." (I can't believe he didn't like my pretty sign!) I angrily replied, " you are illegally parked and blocking me in so I cannot get out. I will call a tow truck next time to remove your vehicle." ***deep sigh***

New plan of attack for tomorrow!

**I had to stay late after work for parent teacher interviews Thursday night. Wouldn't you know when I peeked outside after school to see if anyone was blocking me in, to my amazement , not one car was blocking anyone in! I'll be! Today ( Friday) was a PD Day so no students were at school, just staff. So we'll have to wait and see what happens on Monday!**

Simple Surprises

I LOVE surprises.
I LOVE it when God surprises me. Actually, I shouldn't be surprised that God surprises me. After all, King David wrote song after song about God's wonderment during his seasons of despair and seasons of joy.

"God is magnificent; He can never be praised enough. There are no boundaries to His greatness. Generation after generation stand in awe of your work; each one tells stories of your mighty acts. Your beauty and splendor have everyone talking; I compose songs on your wonders. Your marvelous doings are headline news; I could write a book full of the details of your greatness.God always does what He says, and is gracious in everything He does. God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those ready to quit.God's there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it. He does what's best for those who fear him-hears them call out, and saves them. God sticks by all who love Him, but it's all over for those who don't. My mouth is filled with God's praise. Let everything living bless Him, bless His holy name from now to eternity!" (Psalm 145 The Message. Thanks goes out to a new visitor to my blog, Courtney, who sent me this Psalm as an encouragement for me. Thanks Courtney!)

I LOVE it when God surprises me when I'm not looking! Simple surprises with compelling lessons leaving me changed in a significant way.

Today, I was once again flabbergasted by a question that flowed out of the braces-filled mouth of another 13 year old student of mine. Once again, I was in the school library with the same group of grade 8 students working on a math project.
Out of the blue, K. stared at me and inquired in a consoling tone,

" Miss W., can I ask you something? I don't mean to sound mean. Why aren't you married?"
Sighing, I said, " I don't know."
K. continued, " I don' t understand because you are nice and beautiful!"

Once again, isn't that just the sweetest thing ever! I love my job! Perfect timing I might add. My lady friends out there will understand my "time of the month" musings, " I feel sooo fat and feel sooo ugly. My boobs are sagging. What is gravity doing to me?!" (and the list could go on and on!) Just this morning I flippantly prayed- -well it was not really a prayer, it was just me talking to myself on my way to work-- that I just want a male companion to tell me I'm beautiful!!! I love that God sent this 13 year old boy to cheer me up!! What an encouragement today.
Simple surprises!

I also want to thank you my friends for your words of encouragement this week regarding my last post. Your kindness, love and empathy mean more to me than I can ever express. Thank you for letting me be me and expressing the deepest part of who I am. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you! I am doing much better. I am trying to embrace my hormonal changes!! hehehehe!
May I leave you with another Celtic prayer but this one is a Celtic evening prayer:

"I lay me down in the love of my Father.
I surrender my body to rest in the love of my Saviour.
I trust my life in sleep to the Spirit who fills me with life."

"fly" on the wall

(Fall rain. September 2009. Brooklin, ON)

i am in a melancholy mood tonight. i'm not used to this prolonged emotion. it is tugging, twisting, trying perilously to defeat my normal positive self. embrangling, impeding my energy to reach out. it is amplifying apathy in my spirit. i'm just trying to survive daily life. it is scaring me. is it the hormonal changes taking place in my body in this stage of my life? most likely. is it due to the stress i'm under dealing with my mom's illness? most likely. i'm trying to be strong especially for my dad. we feel helpless. in addition, my body is aching again for a child. my soul is fighting the intense loneliness and desire for a companion. i am in a battle with my spiritual self. my prayers are feeble. i'm at a loss at what to say to God because i am angry with Him, but i know i need to keep on praying. i may look fine on the outside but this turmoil is taking its toll. i know i am also "pms-ing," which can greatly magnify the situation. oh how i love being a woman (said in a sarcastic tone)! one thing can upset us and next thing we know our entire world is shaken and ready to fall apart! but that is how God created us and how we are meant to share space on this earth with our fellow man! i will embrace it. i know my melancholy will turn to "joy in the morning." i already feel relief. Cheers!

Strange Conversations to avoid a2+b2=c2

Colourful Chairs, Times Square, New York City, August 2009

Come have a seat. Sit with me for awhile. Let me spin you some yarns about the spiritual conversations I have been having all week with some of my students.

Their questions and comments come at seemingly inopportune times which is a mystery to me. Although one theory I have is they are trying to sabotage their struggle with the Phythagorem Theorem and other algebraic equations for lessons of faith. Why they wouldn't want to do their math when I make it so interesting for them is another mystery to me!! hehehe! I sing jingles, add actions and bribe with candy in order to help them understand the mysteries of math! Oh but I digress again.

Why they approach me and not other staff with their deep faith questions is beyond me. I do have a theory... "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." :)

I want to make it clear I am in NO way proselytizing! I am VERY careful in my profession. These students are the initiators. I wisely answer their philosophical questions to the best of my ability at the appropriate time. I make it clear these are MY opinions and try to encourage them to have these discussions with their parents! I do try desperately to re-focus their attention to the task at hand. But the conversation always comes back around until I take a brief moment and let them get it out of their system. Then we can move on. I count it a privilege these inquisitive students trust me enough to want my opinion on such profound matters regarding the meaning of life.

So, are you curious what these young, impressionable minds are asking?

"Miss W., who created the world?"
As I was heading down to the library to work on math with three students in grade 8, I overheard them debating creation versus evolution. One of the students is a Hindu, one is a Christian and the other is nothing specific. Two of them were trying to convince this Hindu that God created the world. I LOVE the innocence of youth. I LOVE their honesty today. I LOVE how they just tell it like it is in their black and white world.

"Miss W., do you think God has a brother or a sister? Who do you think Jesus is?"
I arrived in the grade 5 classroom as the teacher was giving her lesson in geometry. I sat down beside the student I work with and immediately these questions randomly flowed out of his mouth. He is a Muslim boy and has a form of autism called Asperger's. So, his voice is booming loud and he has no understanding of the social cues of the classroom! Once again I tried to re-direct him to continue listening to the teacher's lesson. However, he persisted and could not focus until I answered his questions. It was kind of comical because I was basically trying to explain the Trinity to this Muslim boy in two seconds or less when I realized I was confusing him more! At recess, he asked me some more questions and I answered to the best of my ability. I asked him what he believed. I am learning more about the Muslim faith through my students. Interestingly, we do share similar moral beliefs, like abstaining from alcohol, abstinence, filtering our music and movie watching, etc.

"A., are you a Christian like Miss W.?"
The boy that asked our lunch room supervisor this question has autism. I have no idea how he knew I was a christian. I haven't even worked in his special ed. classroom thus I rarely have any conversations with this boy. Well except for telling him the type of car I drive! He has an impeccable memory and is fascinated by vehicles! I am still baffled by his question! Maybe he overheard me talk about my weekend and possibly I may have mentioned I went to church on Sunday. I don't remember. Whatever it is, this boy believes -accurately I might add- that I am a christian. And that is important to him.

"Miss W., what kind of genius puts a letter in a math equation?"
The best comment ever said to me! While taking this grade 8 student down to the library to work on her algebra ( 2x+1 =2; An example for those of you who forget grade 8 algebra!!) she blurts this comment out in all seriousness. I nearly fell on the floor laughing! She has a good point though!

Later on that morning, this same student and another boy were discussing how old they would be when they graduated from university as doctors. "D" looked over at me and affirmed,
"Miss W., you will be REAL old when I graduate. I can be your doctor!"

"T" pipes up and pronounces in a tender voice,
"Miss W., I'm sure when I'm married my wife won't mind you coming to live with us in your old age and we will take care of you!"
Isn't that just the sweetest thing ever! This boy comes from a rough background. His mother is a drug addict. His oldest half brother is in jail. He and his siblings live with their dad now. It is a good thing. They come disheveled to school everyday but they work hard and are sweet. I just may take this boy up on his offer!

"Miss W., are you a virgin?"
Okay that is not a deep, dark philosophical question but I had to throw it in - yes, I was asked this question out of the blue during math once again! My response, "get back to your work!!!"

I wonder what will transpire this week at school! I can't wait!

"This little Light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. This little Light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

Jesus says, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." ( Matthew 5:14-16, NIV)

A Hug a Day keeps the Doctor Away!

***update below***

Check out this story over at Alastir Appleton's blog. (Alastir used to be the host of the British series, "Escape to the Country.") I was actually touched by his story about a woman called Amma. I have never heard of her before, but I suspect she is very familiar in the Buddhist circles. Looking past our vast differences in theological views, I do think this woman is truly amazing for giving this simple but profound gift to people. Thousands and thousands of people line up just to be hugged. Why do you think that is?

Have you ever been hugged so snugly you don't want to ever let go? I have needed those hugs on many occasions and am grateful to those friends who extended them to me. I wonder how different our world would be if we graciously extended snug hugs to every person we encountered? Just some thoughts to ponder!

*** On the last day of school before Christmas vacation (Dec 18, 2009), I received more hugs from my students than ever before. They initiated it! It was GREAT and I had no problem hugging them back. A profound gift!***

Where was I?

Where was I when the genocide in Rwanda was annihilating innocent lives?

I have been reading, "Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust," by Immaculee Ilibagiza this afternoon and this poignant question kept entering my thoughts.

I was living in Alberta at the time and barely recall any news reports about these atrocities taking place in Rwanda. I don't even recall praying for the people of Rwanda at church. How did I ignorantly disregard what was happening to my fellow human beings overseas? How did I miss this? What could I have done? As tears stream down my face, I wonder how weeping for the victims and survivors of this holocaust will help them now.

I am still processing all that I have read in this incredible book. I am utterly speechless at the courage and strength of this woman, Immaculee. I am amazed at her ability to cling to Jesus and extend grace and forgiveness amidst the horrific events she endured, witnessed and heard. Her faith in God is a miracle and an astounding example for mankind.

Where was I?

Four Teenagers, Three Adults and New York City!

What do you get when you mix four teenagers with three adults on a summer road trip to New York City?
CRAZY fun with a bit of crankiness mixed in and lessons in " it's not about me!" When all was said and done, it was a privilege to travel with my "kindred spirits" and their daughters. It was an adventure I will always remember. I wanted to share it with you my bloggy friends, so to see my photo album and the rest of the story, click here. Enjoy!

Birthday Bash

Our disparate worlds converged back in 2006 and a unique friendship was birthed out of that union. Who would have guessed? Not I!

At first, he irritated me. Yet at the same time, I was also deeply intrigued by this eccentric barista. Remember my adventure with him here? It is hard to believe almost 3 years later I consider Anthony my friend!

I have a confession to make. I did something a little CRAZY on my birthday, which ironically enough fell on Labour Day this year! It also happened to be the first annual Brasilian Day in Toronto to celebrate Brasil’s Independence Day! My soul sista S. and I decided to join the festivities as part of my birthday bash!

Oh where was I? Oh yes, let me back-track a little for you...

Anthony thinks I look like the actress, Jamie Lee Curits and I think he looks like a cross between Elton John and the actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman. Every time I dine at Richtree Marche (the restaurant where Anthony works) he always tells me, "you need to come dressed in fish- net stockings like Jamie in "True Lies! You would look hot!"
Thanks Anthony! (I couldn't wait to tell Anthony that a man stopped me on the street in New York City back in August and said, "hey beautiful Jamie Lee Curtis!")

So when I showed up on my birthday without the fish-net stockings I was worried Anthony would be disappointed. On the contrary, he was VERY excited to see me, according to my sista S! You see I am convinced he is "batting for the other side" ( is that even an idiom?!) Not that I care, but I just don't think he is into me at all! At one point I had to use the washroom and left the watchful eye of Anthony. S. told me the entire time I was gone he kept asking her where I was and wondered when I was coming back. Apparently, S. told him it was my birthday and he asked to have his picture taken with me!!

Take 1: Say Cheese!
Take 2: Anthony didn't like his pic in the first take so we had to say cheese again!



To appease Anthony, after S. and I finished our meal, we decided to grab our dessert and go over to his barista kiosk and order one of Anthony's famous coffee creations. While sitting enjoying our tasteful dessert and pleasant conversation, Anthony left. I figured he was now on break and would come join S. and I at the bar. I couldn't have been farther from the truth. He left! Vamoose! We have no idea where Anthony went. I was disappointed, so S. encouraged me to write my name and email address on a napkin and leave it for him. I "hymned and hawed" for a brief moment then made the decision to go for it! Why not. It was my birthday! "Live in the moment" is my motto after all! So I discretely placed the napkin in front of Anthony's fancy coffee machine - where I was CERTAIN he would find it.

I never received that email from Anthony. My suspicion is the napkin got thrown out by the manager that relieved Anthony for break. Or it could be as simple as, "he is just not that into me!" Whatever the case, I know I will continue to have many more adventures at Richtree Marche with my eccentric, barista friend!

The Brasilian Day festivities at Yonge and Dundas Square ...
Here I am armed with my Brasilian Portuguese phrase book, wearing the Brasilian colours...
S. and I dancing the Samba with the crowds of Brasilians!

I'm Baaacccckkkkk!!

My soul has been longing to write again. I have needed the creative release, the therapy. For the last 6 weeks I was house sitting for dear friends. It was wonderful to enjoy life in the country. However, I greatly missed the access to the Internet! Sad I know but I have missed my bloggy friends! Now I feel a wee bit overwhelmed trying to catch up on my reading and commenting!

I have also been busy dealing with sick, aging parents and their health scares. In addition, I badly sprained my ankle while out in the country so was incapacitated for a while. It has taken an emotional toll on me. In fact this morning I had a wee breakdown. I am one that tends to keep things bottled up inside. I know, not a the best solution! Usually, exercise helps but I have been restricted with my ankle. So, I released it all today and had a good cry. Unfortunately, my father was around so I lashed out at him. He is under the same stress. We hugged. I said sorry. Forgiveness is freeing. Broken Hallelujahs are what I am offering once again at this moment in my life. It's all I have. We are just trying to make it through this mind-less cycle again until it passes. It will.

So there you have it. I will be back soon to blog about an adventure I had on my birthday! I must go now to my voice lessons. Oh, one more thing....

I should mention that I am LOVING my new school year! I am working with awesome students this year so work is not stressful at all! YEAH!!!

Enjoy your day...

"I awake in the name of the Father who made me.
I arise in the name of the Son who died to save me.
I rise to greet the dawn in the name of the Spirit who fills me with life."

~A Celtic Morning Prayer~

Lessons in Overcoming Fear

I can hardly believe today is September 1st. I began penning this post almost 3 weeks ago! As I sit on the edge waiting for the inauguration of a new school year, the opportunity to begin anew, I reflect back upon a glorious summer with gratefulness. Sure, there were things I wanted to do but somehow didn't get around to it, like blogging more. However, I thoroughly enjoyed my time off and have no regrets!

One of the highlights of my summer taught me an invaluable lesson about facing my fears and persevering until the task was completed, even when my entire being told me I was crazy and to abandon the mission!

The Mission: Complete "High Ropes Course" at Camp Mini-Yo-We where I volunteered in the kitchen for one week.

Camp Mini-Yo-We is situated on beautiful Mary Lake, Port Sydney, Ontario.
This is the view from the porch of the dining hall where we ate our meals.

The Task: Climb 30 feet up a tree, then walk across this suspended "burma loop" bridge which happens to cross over the road.
I was eager and excited to attempt this challenge. For a brief moment, I even thought I was a contestant on the TV show "The Amazing Race!" Well that was until...
...I got to the top of this ladder and realized I had to climb further up the tree. My heart was racing. My legs were shaking. After contemplating things for a moment, I decided I was crazy and wanted to end this task and climb down. But, my AMAZING guide Andy refused to allow me to climb down. His words of encouragement and words of specific step-by-step instructions sustained me the entire time. Fear is a perplexing emotion. It can discombobulate our minds. I knew I was completely safe with Andy as my belayer and knew I was safely harnessed. Yet somehow fear paralyzed me.
At this point, I had a choice to make: give into my fear or divide and conquer! I chose the latter and that made all the difference! ( a partial quote by Robert Frost!) I had also passed the point of no return so I had to move forward!


The second most difficult task ( the first was climbing the tree) was climbing onto this thin platform, sitting down and placing my foot on the loop in order to stand up. I could barely reach the loop with my leg when I sat down. I thought I had long legs. Apparently not! I TOTALLY felt like I was going to free fall onto the road, even though Andy reassured me he was supporting me. I had a bit of a panic attack when a van with an intensely loud muffler problem drove up and stopped to chat with my friends down below- well the van didn't, rather the person driving the van was chatting! I felt safer and ready to move on once the van was gone. I'm not sure why, but that is how the process worked for me! Trust is a befuddling emotion! Once I finally took that step of faith out onto the loops, everything else fell in place. Trust was continuing its work within me so I could move on to the next step in complete confidence, without fear.

Apparently, my comments through this entire process were hilarious. I was fiercely concentrating on the task at hand, but could hear some of the conversation on the ground. I knew they wanted to videotape my play-by-play dialogue. At this point I didn't care, I just wanted to make it across the suspended rope bridge alive! Speaking of conversation on the ground, I should mention how gratifying it was to hear the cheers of support and encouragement from my friends. Those shouts of approval played a huge role in helping me finish well! Incredible teamwork! Thanks guys!!



I FINALLY made it to this stage. YAY! Here I am walking confidently across the ropes. ( I did eventually have a smile on my face!) I was thinking to myself, "this is a 'piece of cake,' " until I got to the end, kissed the tree like Andy told me to do, then turned to see how he would bring me down...
...Andy confessed that he purposely forget to mention at the beginning of this journey how I would dismount so as to not scare me. Thanks Andy! Apparently, I had to complete a somersault in mid-air in order to disembark! A challenge in itself let me tell you! I have a video of my "elegant" descent, but was unable to post it here! So, here is a wee taste:
I DID IT!! It was an incredible feeling! I was soooo proud of my accomplishment. I was sooooo proud I didn't give up. My nature is one that relinquishes easily because I am immobilized by fear. I cannot believe I actually achieved this goal. I even have the remnants of the multitudinous bruises to show for my determination!

A HUMONGOUS thank you goes out to Andy, my belayer and guide. He was an unbelievably patient teacher. I am forever indebted to Andy for BELLOWING the following at stage one of this adventure, "No K. you are NOT coming down! NO! You can do this! Just keep on climbing one step at a time! I have your back! You will NOT fall! Trust me! "


Trust I did and that made all the difference! Learning to conquer fear in this manner empowered me to outstretch these invaluable lessons to every facet of my life.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
~ Isaiah 41:10

Full to the brim and running over

"... I (The Apostle Paul) ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." (Ephesians 3:17-21, The Message)

I am full to the brim and overflowing! I love how God allows me to experience these indescribable moments after the dark seasons along my life's journey have passed. I love how when I think I have no more to give, God fills me up, immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine. I am left speechless. His extravagant love never ceases to amaze me!

I recently had the privilege of spending time with two incredible women, one of which was my BFF!

I have shared before about these kindred spirits, soul sisters. Just being in their presence fills me up. In fact, it is interesting that one blogger made this comment about my "Free the Bird" post,

"'K,' OMG woman! You are just lit lit lit up like a Xmas tree when you are with those women. You should spend more time with them. I cannot get over how amazing your soul was shining in all those photos. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!"

During our visit we howled with laughter from the depths of our bellies until we were gasping for air. When we finally caught our breath, we started the whole process again. Our episode of laughter lasted for almost a full hour. To my knowledge, I don't think I have ever guffawed with such unrestrained freedom. It was incredible! And then, further along in our visit, our conversation led us to a place where we started to cry from within the deep abyss of our souls-- that private place where you are stripped bare and are usually all alone with God. Sharing this space with these women filled me up in ways I can barely articulate. All I know is God knew we needed to be with each other in this way at that exact moment in time. Priceless. Fully experiencing the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love!

When it was time for me to leave on that rainy morning, I let fear take over. It was actually more like a panic attack. You see I hate driving alone on the crazy 401 in the vision-impairing -torrential rains . Why did I have such a difficult time trusting that God would look after me on that highway, especially after such an empowering spiritual retreat!

I prayed, feebly I might add! My BFF prayed, confidently I might add. I LOVE that in spite of our weakness (well I should only speak for my weakness!), God is still sovereign. He DID hear my cries of fear and panic. He listened. He answered. He answered in such a specific way. A way that was far more than I could have ever possibly imagined!

Picture this scene with me. I am turning onto the on-ramp about to enter the highway when I spy incredibly dark storm clouds ahead. It had only been sprinkling at this point on my journey home. My heart began to race faster. My breathing became shorter. I could feel panic begin to set in. Immediately I started my deep breathing techniques -thank you yoga class! I didn't care what I looked like as the truckers whizzed by me. For all I knew, they probably thought I was picking my nose!!

Suddenly something in the distance caught my attention. I couldn't believe my eyes. As I rounded the corner at the top of the steep hill with K-Town disappearing behind me, I spotted an inconceivable sight.

Right smack dab in the middle of those nasty, black storm clouds lay a straight path of clear BRIGHT blue sky! I couldn't believe my eyes!

God parted the dark rain clouds for me....the ENTIRE way home. Intermittently, bursts of sunbeams would come out of nowhere and warm my face as I drove along . God shone his face on me to remind me He was with me every step of the way. To remind me He is still Sovereign and in control. To remind me to release it - all of it- over to Him. To remind me to “pronounce” and not doubt.

Do you know what?

The EXACT moment I pulled into my driveway, the heavens opened and it downpoured for several hours! Indescribable! Lavish! There is no doubt in my mind God did this for me! He filled me up - to the brim and overflowing - and then some!

My life if full.

P.S. Aphra, thank you for the short but sweet visit too. You were part of the "fullness" weekend!

Broken Hallelujah

I received this thoughtful email message from my sweet friend over at "Life is Just So Daily" the day after I posted my last blog entry...

"Hey K, Was listening to a new CD (Freedom) I got for my birthday by Mandisa. It's so good. All the songs are very powerful but one struck me last night - especially after reading your blog. It's called "Broken Hallelujah" by Mandisa. "

I wept. Then I listened to the song and wept some more. It is beautiful and fitting. It speaks of my journey at this present moment. Thank you my sweet friend for thinking of me! I LOVE how you listened to God's gentle voice prompting you to share this song with me. In moments like this, I just don't understand how people cannot believe in God, sovereign Creator! He binds the smallest details together perfectly and timely! I love that!

Also, I just love how music touches our soul and speaks our heart's cry so eloquently when we can't seem to put it into words. I especially love this line in the song, " still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins and I will worship you and give you praise." In my moments of doubting God and wondering if He is listening to my cries of anguish, I have always made sure I keep on singing and keep communicating. In essence, I was singing a "broken hallelujah." I love how this song conveys God loves our broken hallelujahs. To Him, they are GRANDIOSE HALLELUJAHS! I know in my moments of doubt, at the core of my being, I still adore Jesus and want praise to rise up from my ruins!

I hope this song can be an encouragement to those who listen to it today. Soak it in. Keep on singing. Stay close to Jesus, especially through your journey of pain and ruin!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH16B5449Iw

Broken Hallelujah

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart's in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment You're with me somehow
And You've always been faithful so Lord even now

When all that I can sing is a broken Hallelujah
When my only offering is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise is a broken Hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing
on me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness,
Your wisdom, Your grace
Oh Lord hear my heart in this painful place

When all that I can sing is a broken Hallelujah
When my only offering is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise is a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I lift my voice
Your spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

'Cause all that I can sing is a broken Hallelujah
And my only offering is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise is a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Mind- less Cycles

sitting down,
thinking.
trying to be honest with myself
trying to find the words
examining my heart's cry
allowing myself to feel
allowing myself to cry from the bowels of my soul
longing for freedom
longing for peace
longing for relief
longing for wisdom
longing for patience
trying to express how it feels at the core of my being
grasping how to react, how to care yet allowing my soul to speak
tired, exhausted
the cycle begins again
figuring out how to share space with someone whom I love dearly
who has a mental illness
i hate the stigma that clings
clutching tightly
it sucks energy
sucks life
takes advantage
prevents vulnerability
when really it is about fear
people are afraid
i especially hate the judgement from the church
it's wrong
for shame
fear at the marrow
yet somehow the church,
the body of Christ
is to be a safe haven
cling to Jesus
He is true love
He created these precious souls
created their broken minds
He is the Healer
took upon Himself the mark of disgrace
displayed true love
Mother Theresa said,
"The dying, the cripple, the mental, the unwanted, the unloved, they are Jesus in disguise...Speak tenderly to them. Let there be kindness in your face, in your eyes, in your smile, in the warmth of your greeting."
Jesus in disguise
i like that
help
help
help end the mind-less cycle
but i'm scared
i'm tired
tired
i don't know how to respond anymore
it's painful
painful
it's hard
hard
but
i keep praying
i let go of bitterness
i forgive
i forget the hurtful words spoken
i forget
i love
as Rumi says,
"Love is the cure.
For your pain will keep giving birth to more pain,
until your eyes constantly exhale love
as effortlessly as your body yields its scent."
(thanks P.C.-if you are reading this- for introducing me to the poems of Rumi!)
exhale
sigh
breathe
i learn
i am stronger
release
surrender
peace
the mind - less cycle becomes the mind- filled cycle wrapped in my true Love
Jesus

Summertime. Thus far...

Father's Day Excursion to the Trout Farm... I was feeling under-the-weather but decided to go on this adventure with my parents...


...married for 52 years on June 29th, they still are going strong telling each other what to do while prepping for this photo op!! I did capture a lovely pic of the two of them after this, but thought I'd post this pre-pic of them getting ready for the photo!





A lovely shot of the happy couple at our first pit-stop, "The Dutch Oven" , for our breakfast to get us energized for fishing. It did more than energize me...it gave me the "runs" all day. Not a good situation when you are in the middle of the wilderness!!

The Trout Farm....

..this is how my mom, the city girl, passed the day!!!:)

Putting the bait on the hook.

My first catch of the day.

Mom knitting among the weeds!

Mom and Dad enjoying each other's company while incorporating their hobbies!

On our way home we stopped at an antique market in an old barn. I loved this old tap attached to the barn and thought it would make a cool photo!

July 1, 2009. Dad and I ventured over to "The Mandarin," a Chinese buffet, where they were offering free meals to their customers. What a way to spend "Canada Day!" ( mom was sick in bed so Dad asked me to go with him)

At 10:15am the line up was already long...

...we met friends in line...

We had to prove we were Canadian citizens in order to enter. We finally sat down to eat at

2: 50pm! Was it worth the wait? Let's just say I won't be doing it again!! We did however have some excitement in the line up which made the wait more exciting...

Two young adults decided to butt in line. I actually had been watching them for a while trying to latch on to a group, but the people around weren't cluing in to their shenanigans! I decided to take matters into my own hand and talk to the security guard in order to give him the heads up and ask that we get let in before these "line-butter's!" I didn't want to make a scene. All went according to plan until...

someone behind me caught on to what these guys were trying to do. Joining in the conversation, I politely and calmly talked to one of the boys and explained that we had been waiting for hours and it wasn't fair that he was trying to butt in the line. He blatantly lied and said he had been waiting here for hours too. I then tried to explain in a calm tone that clearly he was lying because we had proof through photos and the crowd surrounding him were witnesses to the fact he and his friend were indeed butting in line. A friend of my dad's tried to tell me to drop it, but this was a case of bullying and was clearly not right! These boys were being belligerent. I wasn't being unreasonable nor angry. I was calm and was trying to use some humour in the situation. The people behind me were more angry at these boys so I took it as my cue to walk away. A few minutes later there was a commotion and raised voices. I notified the security guard to come help put an end to this craziness! With great difficulty this security guard managed to get them to leave and head to the back of the line. At the same time, it was finally our turn to enter the restaurant after a 4-hour wait! Yes, we were crazy!

Later on when we were sitting enjoying our meal, we saw these same boys outside trying to do the same thing in another part of the line. The security removed them again!! Also, while in the buffet line, I overheard several people talk about these two boys who were extremely belligerent and tried to butt in line. Somehow I think they were up to badness to see if they could get a reaction from people. What a shame! It didn't spoil our fun though. It was a Canada Day to remember!

My friend Michelle and I took a trip into Toronto to see The Dead Sea Scrolls at the ROM ( Royal Ontario Museum). I saw this cool, themed bike rack outside the ROM...

The new front entrance at the ROM. Trying to look like the Louvre??? I wasn't keen on this new design but found the interior to be worse! I thought it would be all glass inside as well, but it was just plain, white dry wall. I'm wondering if they are planning on opening things up so we will be able to see all glass. That would be more impressive...

I had fun taking some photos though from different angles...

My friend Michelle at the start of the exhibit. We apparently were not allowed to take photos but I snuck this pic before my camera was confiscated!

Summertime in Toronto is all about enjoying the outdoors...

or eating on outdoor patios...

Celebrating my dad's 76th birthday...

VBS (Vacation Bible School) at my church...
Our theme for the week was called "EDGE: Experience and Discover God is Everywhere"

- based on the extreme sport concept. Each grade had an extreme sport name. I oversaw the grade 6 "Spelunkers!" (cave explorers-I confess I had no idea what spelunking was before VBS!) My counsellors and I decorated our room to look like the inside of a cave! We had a busy, eventful but fabulous week. I so enjoyed working with this age group and with my amazing

counsellors! We did experience God in a fresh way!

Summertime is not complete with delicious desserts. Here is my mom's key lime pie topped with her famous meringue.

I look forward to enjoying the rest of my lazy, hazy days of summer.