The Reality of Life When A Loved One Has a Mental Illness

The day I feared is here.

My loved one who has a mental illness has been doing amazing for the past year and a half since hospitalization--the worst year of my family's life.

She is back to her old self once again.

Amazing what a change in medication can do for a person. This was the needed change after years on the same meds.

My loved one always took her meds, never missed a dose. But with age and being on the same meds for years her poor body couldn't handle it.

We have loved being able to breathe again.

We love having our loved one back!  Our loved one is so content and happy !

The only side effect is our loved one sleeps a great deal...is very tried all the time with little energy. It is complicated as we are not sure if it is age or a side effect of the meds.

Well I did a bit of research and unfortunately feel it is a side effect of the meds. Other heart tests our loved one had have revealed nothing. So it is probably due to the new meds.

My fear has always been that her psychiatrist would change her meds due to these side effects. We do not want to go through the hell we experienced 2 years ago. We want our loved one like we have her now. Balanced. Peaceful.

Well, my fears are realized....her psychiatrist changed her meds at her appointment this past week--Only by half a dose and only one of the pills. However we have no idea if this will change her personality again.

I am praying to my God that it will not.

I am crying out to my God to allow her to be who she is and to continue to experience this peace and balance while not experiencing these debilitating side effects.

I have to trust God.
I have to trust this psychiatrist.

It is very difficult to trust and not worry about something I have no control over.

The pain of the ordeal we experienced has surfaced again.

Yet I need to trust and leave this in the hands of God and the psychiatrist.

At least we are prepared if something does go terribly wrong.

We know the drill.

We know the sytem.

We know the pain.

We know we can get to the other side.

But if it should happen again our scars may not heal.

The title of my autobiography would be...

My friend Pip has begun a series called, Becoming Questions .  Here is his latest question:

What would be the title of your autobiography and why?

The title of my autobiography would be:

"Strong After All:  The adventure of life that was explored."

Why?

I guess my life motto has been, "life is an adventure waiting to be explored." I have no idea if I copied this saying from someone or modified a quote to suit me. But somewhere along the way I adopted this motto for my life.

In addition,  my brothers would always say to me when we were young that I was "socially inadequate." You see, I always fumbled with words. In my head I knew exactly what I wanted to say but it came out all mumble jumbled. It didn't help that my two older brothers made fun of me. These words have never left really even though I am not bitter and am a confident woman now. But I always struggled with self esteem issues in this area and never felt I was strong. I felt I never had anything of value to say.

I was also always overshadowed by my two dearest friends I chummed around with all the time. They were the popular ones whom everyone seemed to listen to.

Who knew... I WAS strong after all!  Even though some insecurities creep back into my soul at times, I know I DO have something of value to say!

I look back over my life and not only see God's hand upon it, I see a strong, independent, smart, beautiful woman who loved life to the fullest and was always up for adventures. No where was she socially inadequate and no where did her voice need to be silenced.

I cannot believe I moved to a totally new city, far from home, knowing no one and formed a new life for myself. I cannot believe I lived in Sweden for a year. I cannot believe I travelled the world-well part of our world-on my own. I cannot believe I backpacked across Europe experiencing incredible adventures. I cannot believe I made it across a zip line ropes course at camp as an adult. I cannot believe I survived the worst year and a half of my life living through my loved one's mental health challenges. I cannot believe I had the courage to leave a toxic church and find peace in my new parish.

Who knew I was strong. I AM strong. I am proud. I am proud I inherited this strength from my Grandmothers.

Who knew I WAS socially adequate. I AM socially adequate.

Who knew I had a voice. I HAVE an important voice.

Look out world! God is not finished with me yet. More adventures await.

Never stop exploring. Never stop using your voice. Stop believing the lies and believe the truth.

STRONG AFTER ALL!

If I had a tattoo on the palm of my right hand...

My trademark is a whale.

 Not just any whale.

But one I have been drawing since I was 12 years old.

 Why? 

My last name is 'Whale'n. All my life everyone has asked me how to spell my last name (And my first for that matter) and I would always say, " It's a whale with an N at the end!" But I already have my whale tattoo on my back which I LOVE! 

So...what tattoo would I put on the palm of my right hand?

I think I would have a handwritten message from each of my Grandmothers' letters they wrote me saying they were praying for me. I would also try to include messages from my parents. Why?

Family and faith is important to me. I loved receiving the hand written letters from my grandmas (my grandfathers died when I was 4 so I barely remember them)over the years and their beautiful words of encouragement to spur me on in my faith and in my life.

My parents give me beautiful cards all the time for every occasion expressing their love for me. When my parents die, which could be soon,  I will have no one left who loves me uncondtionally (except God)!

So I would love a reminder everyday of this love my family had for me to continue to spur me on in my life without them. I want the incredible legacy -the hard times too- to be imprinted on me so I can remember to share that legacy of faith and love with those that come behind me. When I get sad and lonely I want to see their words and know they are in my heart forever and are watching me from above.

In addition, cursive writing here in Canada is becoming obsolete. I feel there is something special seeing peoples' personal handwritten lines. I even bought an old book at an antique store once because I was intrigued by the inscription in the front cover handwritten in fountain pen ink! Cursive writing is unique to each of us and unique to my family. Seeing their writing brings me comfort. 

I will need comfort when they are gone! When I am lost I will look at the palm of my right hand and find my way once again.

The Last Time I Cried

A beautiful human soul whom I now call friend, loves to ask unique questions. These questions bring conversations to a deeper level where honesty, vulnerability, non-judgement, transperency and love abide. He has actually begun a "Becoming Questions" series posting a new question each week. His question this week sparked a surprising response from me. I thought I would post it here on my blog. Without further adieu...

When was the last time you cried and why?

The last time I cried was last week in my car driving to work. I had to hold back the deep gutteral tears that were forming or I would not be able to see to drive and my contact lens would be blurry all day!  So I released some of the tears but not all.

I need desperately a good gutteral cry but don't have an alone place just yet where I am free to let it all out not worrying about the sounds that come out from deep in my soul.  I am not sure why those deep gutteral tears hit me that particular morning but they have been forming for a while. Why?

Weeping for the stress I have been under the last three years caring for my parents' illnesses. Weeping for the way it tore my family apart. I had to live through it, keep going, be strong, live life. Work. Grieve. No time to weep then.

Weeping for the restoration God brought to our family. A true miracle. Grateful to God.

Weeping for the resentment at having to let go of some of my life to help care for my parents. Weeping for the guilt because they have sacrificed so much for me over the years and have loved me unconditionally. The least I can do is care for them.

Weeping for this season of life. My time is precious with my parents. I don't want to lose them but that is the cycle of life. I am afraid to be left alone. I love them so deeply. The cycle of life continues on.

Weeping because I won't be a mother to my own children. Weeping at the anger towards God for not allowing me to experience a precious life growing inside me and raising that precious child.

Weeping at more anger towards God for not bringing that precious soul mate into my life even though I felt I have lived how He wanted me to live as  a Christian. I am definitely not perfect but I tried my best.

Weeping at these thoughts because I know God has given me a fabulous life and I have experienced so much!  I have not put my life on hold. I am grateful for my life.

Weeping because I am just plain overwelmed.

Clearly I need a gutteral release. And soon!  Funny how many of these same issues I am weeping over return to the forefront of my mind and I weep a little here and there. But I need that deep soul wrenching release. Praying I find a space where I can cry, really cry and be free.

Renewal

Renewal

My Anchor Word for 2016!

I loved this idea about choosing an anchor word for the year when I first heard about it from a twitter friend last year.

I prayed about finding a word for 2016 and the word renewal kept coming to my mind for about a week. Immediately I knew this would be my anchor word for the year! So I knew the verses in Isaiah 40:29-31 would be a perfect fit for my anchor word, renewal.

"God gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."

What does renewal mean to me?

I created a graphic organizer in my journal and brainstormed words that came to mind:

rest

confidence

strength

clarity

peace

pursue my creative energy

stay out of work politics the best I can

My prayer for renewal in my personal life is to try to live out the "I don't care what people think" motto.  I am someone who does care what people think. I have tried to change over the years and have slowly progressed. There are many reasons why I care what people think, one of which is I am a peacemaker by nature and hate conflict But this year will be my year where I will conquer this motto! I need to not worry about other people and live life confidently!

In addition, I desire to acquire "thicker " skin and not take things so personal.  I am a sensitive person by nature but need to realize it is not about me the majority of the time and stop taking things personal. This trait goes back to the peacemaking part of who I am. I sense tension and conflict in people and somehow think they are angry with me. When I logically take a step back, I clearly see it has nothing to do with me and is what the other person is going through at that time!

My prayer for renewal in my spiritual life is to daily pray this short prayer my priest shared with our church one Sunday morning:

 "Lord interrupt my day with your Presence."

At the end of each day, I want to make a habit of acknowledging where God showed up and say thank you!

Here's to a RENEWED 2016!