"...I've had all I can take of your noisy ego-music. When was the last time you sang to me? Do you know what I want? I want justice--oceans of it. I want fairness--rivers of it. That's what I want. That's all I want..." (Amos 5:18-20, The Message)
Dear God, I resolve to sing to you, more than I have before, in 2011. Love, Special "K"
...FROM an 80's party, visit with best friends, walking in the 'hood, seeing famous celebrities at a taping of the "Battle of the Blades" tv show ( hockey players; Theo Fleury, Val Bure, etc., figure skaters; Jamie Sale, Katarina Gordeava, Shae Lynn Bourne, Kurt Browning, etc.' Ron McClean host), sleeping in my favourite plaid flannel sheets, singing jingles in our church's Christmas production set in the 1940's (I tried to put my hair in pincurls like they did in the '40's but it was a disaster!) , dog/cat/house sitting, walking the dog in the old Cullen Gardens and Minature village which is now overgrown but turned into a lovely park with some of the old pathways and buildings, taking some of my students Christmas carolling at the local Starbucks, Christmas shopping, eating yummy Christmas treats, TO spending time with family celebrating our Saviour's birth. I love December. Now on to embracing the rest of the winter! (click on photo collage to enlarge the pics)
"i cried unto the Lord with my voice, and He heard me out of His Holy Hill, i laid me down and slept and a waked, for the lord sustained, for he sustained me. thou, oh Lord are a shield for me, my glory and the lifter of my head."
it is enough for this moment it is enough for tomorrow it is enough for the day after tomorrow
it is enough for the angst of loneliness tonight it is enough for the persistent nagging voices that continue to cry "failure" it is enough to break through the pain of singleness it is enough to break through the ache and disappointment of not having children it is enough for trying to understand the drifting apart of a friendship it is enough for the career crossroads i am at wondering what i'm to do in the next chapter of my life it is enough for the myriad thoughts about life
He see my tears it is enough He hears my prayers it is enough
His love is abundant it is enough His grace is abounding it is enough He is tender it is enough He is hope it is enough He is healer it is enough He is promise it is enough He is patient through my hormonal ramblings this evening it is enough
He brings relief it is enough He brings peace it is enough it is enough it is enough
it IS enough
"it is enoughthat Jesus died and that He died for me." (and you) ("My Faith Has Found a Resting Place," by Lidie H Edmunds, 1891)
"but you, o Lord, are a shield about me, my Glory, and the One who lifts my head." (Psalm 3:3, NASB)
Look at the gem of a cookbook I discovered while browsing in a used bookstore a couple of weeks ago. I was intrigued by the title and when I open the pages of this "vintage" 1964 edition my heart leapt with excitement. As you know I love to travel and this cookbook was taking me on a journey of exploration into a world I wanted to discover! As the inside cover states, "The Spice Cookbook is that most wonderful and rare of cookbooks: it is fun to read and fun to cook from."
The journey begins with a world map, where each spice is labelled on its country of origin. It then proceeds to give a history of the spice trade, spice profiles, how to cook with spices and finally ends with a variety of tantalizing recipes.
I am ready to "spice up my life" from the world adventures in this cookbook. I can already smell the "scent"sational, spicy aroma wafting from my kitchen.
Finally I am posting my last two days of the "1o day challenge" over at Feathers of Inspiration. I'm a little late but like someone once said, "better late than never!"
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Well actually I am posting three because I just couldn't decide.
The way I look after eating "pizza lunch" with my students!
The way I look after spending all day helping my students with their maths!
Wondering what I would look like if I were to wear this fabulous designer scarf!
Day Ten: One confession
I sleep with ear plugs, a retainer, "Breathe Right strips" ( An amazing product by the way!) and sometimes a face mask for good measure. I'm a sight for sore eyes!
That's me at the Hyatt Hotel, Yorkville, Toronto attending a conference.I don't normally stay in such high class hotels so I was mesmorized!
** All pics are courtesy of google images, except for the one directly above this message. **
I could feel them. They were rising up quickly ready to spill down my cheeks. Tears. Vulnerably showing my deep seeded emotions. My lips were quivering. I was trying to hold my breath for fear of being embarrassed, yet somehow shallow gasps escaped. I finally allowed my body to be free to express myself. I knew I was safe, I was free in that space with Chantal Kreviazuk. I was reacting honestly to the song, "In this Life," she was belting out in this awe-inspiring, empowering way. Chantal is raw, honest and one of the most wisest woman I have ever met. She is a gifted songwriter who gets to the core of our humanness.
Chantal was the guest artist for the Imagine Film Festival at Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences. She is an advocate for CMHA raising awareness for mental illness, trying to stamp out the stigma that surrounds mental health and sharing that knowledge through the arts. She says, "I want people to realize that we're all born with unique challenges. When we isolate people because of their differences, the fabric of our society is compromised." You can read more here. Chantal has a close family member who wrestles with mental illness so her perspective is a unique one and one I can relate to, which is the reason I reacted so strongly to this song.
I experienced a God-moment with Chantal that night. I will forever cherish the moment. For me, it was "church"-well how church should be."Broken people NOT pretending to be broken." (Remember this post?) There was an aura ofraw honesty, respectability, love and freedom. Connection. She gets my perspective and I can't tell you the relief I experienced in my soul. Also, she gave me hope, in the form of art, to express my outlook of mental illness because as she said, "it is complicated."
My friends and I had the privilege of meeting Chantal after the concert. She is SO down-to-earth and real. A people person for sure who LOVES connecting with her audience. She took time with everyone to chat, sign autographs and take pictures. She appeared to be in NO hurry. A beautiful evening that has since spurred many ideas in my head on how I can advocate. She is my kind of girl that Chantal!
Chantal Kreviazuk and I at the Imagine Film Festival, Whitby, ON, Oct. 20, 2010
I love asking unique questions. I'm not sure why but suspect it has to do with my interest in finding out more about the people in my life. Over at this Feathers of Inspiration blog post you will discover they like asking unique questions too! What are your answers? Here are mine:
Six things I wish I'd never done:
1) Taken grade 11 and 12 math in one year.
2) Not standing up for that "misfit" in my high school who was teased frequently. Her locker was beside mine. I wish I would have had more guts back then.
3) Transferred to YFC Brockville. Although the difficult time I encountered there made me stronger, introduced me to some beautiful people and led me to a healing place at GCC, which in turn allowed me to meet more beautiful people.
4) Walked away from that moment where I should have kissed Freddie the farmer(my ex boyfriend) on the corner of Calgary Trail and Whyte Ave., Edmonton, Alberta many years ago!
5) Crashed my dad's brand new 1983 Cutlass Supreme into the side of the hospital parking garage where he was being treated for an ulcer! I made it worse that day. I was 16 years old and had recently gotten my driver's licence. But, I received the best advice from the police officer that day...he told me to get back into that car and drive it home or I would never want to drive a car again! I must also add that as the accident was occuring, our close family friends were parking their car in this same garage, as they were on their way up to see my dad in the hospital! It was a God-thing for sure. They were a great help to me and still are to this day!
6) Permed my hair! For years I never realized I had naturally wavy hair and didn't need a perm because I always permed my hair!
I have the privilege of working with some amazing students with special needs. Sometimes I think they teach us more about ourselves than from what we teach them. One boy ("Q") in grade 5 who has autism, wrote a "get well" letter to his classmate (Tristan) who broke his femur while racing his dirt bike. Tristan came to visit the class last week during his recuperation. "Q" asked if he could read his letter to Tristan. "Q" stood up, adjusted his wire-rimmed glasses and in a strong, enunciated voice read the following:Priceless!
A few weeks ago, I walked past our teachers resource room and the following is what captured my attention:
I knew EXACTLY who the culprit was and let out a laugh! It is not graffiti. It is the handiwork of another student with autism. This girl is not as high functioning as "Q," but she is smart and very special nonetheless! She has given us an opportunity to "climb into her skin." Except I have no idea how to interpret her missive! Priceless!
HOME: "a place of refuge, 'in the bosom,' warm closeness, a state of enclosing intimacy."
Have you ever been enjoying a moment where everything is fitting together perfectly and you suspect you are part of something bigger than yourself (I call those "God-moments!"), part of an unfolding story where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you will be a piece of the conclusion, a moment where words are incapable of explaining that which is taking place in your soul and externally around you?
I had the privilege of experiencing a "God-moment" a few weekends ago at my dear friends' home. My other dear friend Shave and I dropped in unexpectedly to the Dallas home on that sunny Saturday afternoon. Shave was in town and wanted a visit with us together.
The Dallas home is beyond welcoming! There is always the smell of fresh baking permeating the air. The kids always greet me with a hug and a kiss and a "I love you Aunt Skin!"("Aunt Skin" is my nickname given by their mom a long time ago! I can't believe it has stuck and been passed down to the next generation!) There is always laughter. The Dallas home is always busy yet intimate. The patriarch and matriarch of the home, Darryl and Lisa, have a gift of hospitality. Immediately, they make you feel comfortable and at home. Free love is all around. The Dallas home is a place where one can totally be themselves. It is home. It is a "place of refuge, in the bosom, warm closeness, a state of enclosing intimacy."
What Shave and I didn't know was the Dallas' were expecting company later that afternoon. But they didn't care we were there. In fact, they wanted us to stay. So, we stayed! It was definitely meant to be. We helped with the food preparation and the setting of the table. My soul was filled and happy even in doing these mundane chores!
Instantly, when the guests arrived, Shave and I felt a connection with these strangers. The kitchen of the Dallas home is the heart of their home so as we, strangers and friends, stood together in this space, something special began to form. It is difficult for me to put into words, yet I somehow want to capture this moment so I won't forget.
...healing...forgiveness...no filter...laughter...tears...peace....singing...harmonies...dancing to Wii...amazing food...listening...honesty...coming alongside and helping one of the strangers on their journey of faith...silly talk...comfort...comfortable...sounds of children everywhere...love...love...and more love...free love...Jesus...free love...
I am incredibly grateful to be part of this stranger's story. I am incredibly grateful for the gift of friendship. My soul is once again energized. I am at home.
home: "a place of refuge, 'in the bosom,' warm closeness, a state of enclosing intimacy."
Today we Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving. I have had a fabulous Thanksgiving weekend, especially savouring my dad's tantilizing turkey and my mom's palatable pumpkin pie. (I do think she makes the best pumpkin pie!) Tonight I am off to friends for our annual soccer game and pizza feast! Thanksgiving is an opportunity to give thanks for all the good things in our lives, the hard times in our lives that have made us stronger, the freedoms we abundantly enjoy and the opportunity to gather with family and friends celebrating each other.
However, for me Thanksgiving means more than these things. My parents have always extended pure, unconditional hospitality to those without family close by or those who are less fortunate each year. I am grateful for their unselfish spirit of generosity. It is a beautiful gift. I have to confess I am a wee bit more selfish than they. I'm not sure how that happened along the path of my life's journey! Don't get me wrong, I love entertaining, I love people but am a bit more protective of my time.
This year, we enjoyed two different sets of people at our dinner table throughout the weekend, one planned and one unexpected- late last night actually. Weary was I when I climbed into bed, yet somehow I felt refreshed and rejuevenated! I care about people, I love helping people and I love hearing their life story. Thanksgiving has taught me to go back to that place where I know the core of my being is unselfish and open to the lives surrounding me. When we give in this way, we are blessed beyond our expectations. Thankful am I.
One of my students in grade 5 (age 10) had this creative idea to ensure no one in her class would use her tissue...
Translation:" I cofet (coughed) on this so if I were you I wouldn't touch unless you want to get sick like me."(I believe this student wrote the LOL after some of her classmates told her she was being rude. She wanted to ensure she was only joking!)
Brilliant idea, isn't it?! Another school-life moment which made my day!
As I scanned the crowd from the choir loft this morning, a quote I read over at Supersimbo 's blog popped into my head:
“What is church? It’s people, broken people, pretending not to be broken and that’s what breaks it.” (The quote is from Phil Groom’s blog post http://philgroom.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/broken-church/)
So many broken people. I see it in their eyes. So many broken people trying to be brave. So many broken people mustering all the strength they have to trust God, our Healer, with their brokenness.
We've come a long way at my church. The walls of pretending- everything- is- great are being torn down. I see more vulnerableness. I see more transparency. I see less judgement. And that makes my heart happy.
I can understand why we pretend not to be broken. It requires letting go of pride, of being humble, of being exposed. Dictionary.com defines vulnerable as, "being open to attack." Sadly, there have been many in the church who have been attacked when they have shared their fractured lives. Some chose to forgive and stay while others chose to forgive and move on.
The church is to be a refuge, a safe community where broken people - and that includes ALL of us - can find freedom and release, without judgement, from our fragmented lives through our relationship with Christ.
As one who is also broken, I hope I can reflect and encourage an attitude of openness, without judgement, for the hurting people I see from the choir loft each Sunday. We are in this together. We are the church. Let's stop pretending and allow our Healer to turn our brokenness into something beautiful which fosters truth, growth and honour to our great God.
Muskoka Chair (or as my US neighbours call it, Adirondack Chair) August 2010, Port Sydney, ON
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Hosting my cousins from Northern Ireland was wonderful, but I must admit, a bit exhausting. I started back to work in the middle of their visit, which proved to be a bit crazy! I am glad to be back to work and back to the fall routines mind you! One of the highlights during my cousins' visit was our camping expedition to the resort I spent all my summers at when I was a pre-teen/teenager! I hadn't camped there in years. Those were some of the best summers of my life.
Memory is an amazing gift. As I ambled down the steep, dirt pathways of the trailer park through the forest on our way to the beach, I recounted to my cousin the many crazy adventures I experienced at this "cottage country" get-a-way...
jumping off the rope swing...cliff diving off the rocks of the Canadian Shield...sunbathing in the Muskoka chairs on the beach...skinny dipping...campfires...s'mores...singing around the campfire...hayrides...horse back riding...honeymoon trail...summer friends...fresh air...clear view of the bright starry sky...chipmunks eating out of your hand...raccoons rummaging through our garbage... swimming out to the dock at dusk...Friday the 13th scare through the forest paths...Midnight Madness in Huntsville... cruising into Huntsville via the river and through the locks...Port Sydney rapids...Port Sydney beach Sundays...great 80's music like Bryan Adams, The Police...breathtaking fall colours...cross country skiing in the middle of winter...winter youth retreats...aawww...sigh...
The magic of memories made me realize I was truly "home."
Saturday August 21, 2010 Tommy Hilfiger, Outlet Mall, Niagara Falls, ON
I am grateful for my job and grateful for the holidays we receive. I must confess, and this may sound strange, it is hard to go back to work (September 7th, my birthday!) after having the summer off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but I wish I could retire VERY early! Since that isn't an option, I am anticipating the arrival of my cousins from Northern Ireland tomorrow. It will be a great way to end my fantabulous summer! Cheerio for now!
December 1986-on the steps of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Italy. I am thoroughly enjoying my fresh Italian bread, cheese and wine!
Last night I had a love affair....with my wood-fired, "Opa" pizza sitting on the patio of my favourite restaurant! It was a perfect evening. Live music filled the cool night air, a welcome relief from the intense humidity we have experienced all summer. You probably can guess I had just seen the movie,"Eat, Pray, Love." (Shh Carol and Carolyn! I know the DAMN Altos are going to see this movie in September but my friend asked me to go as a pre-birthday celebration! I will gladly see it again!) After the movie, my friend and I were inspired to relax, enjoy our glass of chardonnay and eat our pizza with our hands! (What risk takers we were! My friend and I are both "eat-pizza-with-a-knife-and-fork-kind-of-girls!") No reservations! Dig in, savouring the rich flavours of this gastronomic indulgence!
Both my friend and I re-lived our adventures in Italy and France remembering how much we loved their culture. Even though the French and Italians lead busy lives like ourselves in North America, there is something special about their ability to enjoy a balanced life. They take the time to relax, enjoy the company of their friends and family while also taking the time to savour the food spread around their table. No need to rush. No need to hurry. At the end of the day, they get their work done. At the end of the day, they make their guests, and even strangers, feel loved. I could get used to their way of life!
So, last night I had a love affair! And it was good.
My Christmas wish sort of came true today. My parents and I received an email 3 weeks ago from my brother which stated, "Time has a way of soothing. I would like to connect and move forward if you are willing..."
You can imagine our excitement. My brother was "coming home." Over the years I prayed for reconciliation but truthfully, most of my prayers were prayed flippantly and with cynicism. My brother can be a stubborn sort!
We met my brother for coffee today. It didn't go well at all. **sigh** I'm very disappointed. Clearly my brother is not ready to move forward. There are still unwritten expectations that need to be dismantled, on both sides truthfully. However, it was next to impossible to share our perspectives because my brother would interrupt and shut the conversation down. It was so frustrating. I must say I was proud of my parents. They did handle themselves well. I was a wee bit worried! There were a few things they would have been best not to mention, but that is their way and their generation! One thing I observed- their love for their son. It was free flowing, unconditional. But, my brother was blinded by defensiveness to see it. **sigh** It was heartbreaking things didn't turn out the way we hoped.
My dad ended up having a reaction to all the stress later in the afternoon. He began to shake uncontrollably, was feverish and sick to his stomach. He was very disappointed too. I'm not sure why my brother wanted to meet us if he wasn't ready to move on. But, I am continuing to trust God in this matter. He has started to soften my brother's heart, soften my parent's hearts, soften my heart and has started the healing process in our family. I don't understand. It is painful to see the hurt in my parents' eyes. But, I have to continue to trust the One who heals broken lives.
I hate this dissension in my family. Life isn't suppose to turn out this way! There are no guarantees are there when you raise your children? Parents do the best they can. My parents raised us well. Sure, they weren't perfect but who is. We were loved, cared for and given all we could ever dream or imagine. I am grateful for my upbringing. I find it strange that siblings can grow up in the same environment yet have totally different perspectives on how they were raised.
*sigh* One day we will have the best homecoming ever! I have to believe that.
My head clearly sees the solution needed to heal my torn heart.
presume: verb to take for granted, assume, or suppose
presumption: noun the act of presuming
Friendships can be difficult to navigate but worth the effort of staying on course. I didn't expect, as I have travelled on my life journey, I would still have to carefully negotiate amicably my alliances. What I'm learning is I have placed, subconsciously, certain expectations on some of my close friendships. These unwritten presumptions have caused unnecessary hurt, anger and frustration. Although to be fair to myself, these expectations are valid. But, I need to protect my heart. Thus, I need to let it all go. I need to let go of these presumptions clouding my mind in order to save myself from more ensuing heartache. Self-protection is a good mechanism. With the continual release of these expectations, I will be free to enjoy the friendships that have hurt my soul. They are worth saving. Breathe. Let it go. Absolve.
...poolside at "kiddie" therapy pool where we have access to our "cabana boy" bringing us strawberry daiquiris? Or...poolside at "adult-sized" pool surrounded by peace, quiet and gorgeous country scenery with no access to a "cabana boy?" Dilemma solved. I did enjoy the "kiddie" therapy pool with my friend John! However, both options have been heavenly this summer. We have been having hot, humid sunny days. I am having a relaxing summer during my "staycasion," doing an odd assortment of activities close to home. I don't want to think about going back to work in one month! My cousins from Northern Ireland arrive on the 26th for a few weeks, which I am greatly anticipating. My mind is in such a relaxed mode I haven't been blogging much. But, I have a few stories brewing. I trust you are enjoying your summer wherever you are! Peace out!
