"still life" art class gone bad

Imagine my horror when I walked into my “still life” art class and saw a 70 year old naked lady, blessed with flaccid, triple E -sized breasts and long, flowing, straggly, gray hair, standing on a raised platform in the middle of the room.

A small group of budding artists had already assembled their easels eager to start. Still confused as I was instructed to walk over to the cupboard and take out an easel, I decided I better find the teacher and make sure I was in the right class. Sure enough my name was at the bottom of the class list marked, “paid in full.” My teacher looked up at me, smiled and said, “welcome to the life drawing class.” “Life drawing,” I inquired, “not still life?” At that moment I knew I was in for an experience like no other!

Eventually, I was able to look past the naked model called Ellen and focus on honing my drawing skills. This was the first drawing class I had ever taken, so my teacher was patient with me and offered some excellent pointers. One of which was extremely helpful: “draw what you see not what you think you see.” I found my fellow artists, especially the Orlando Bloom look-a-like, supportive and encouraging. I was thoroughly enjoying the class until..... week three.

Model Ellen was gone and replaced by model David, not to be confused with Michaelangelo’s David. He horrified me more than model Ellen. It was model David’s first gig as a life drawing model, so he was nervous. I guess I should have been less critical of him. In preparation, he had greased his entire toned, naked body and made certain his muscles were armed and dangerous. He carried a whip in his hands. I guess he thought he was modeling for a Hugh Hefner spread, not the life drawing class at the R.S. McLaughlin Art Gallery. Since I was able to look past model Ellen’s nakedness I figured it would be the same for model David. Why was the front of him always pointing in my direction – no pun intended? Unfortunately, I never got used to model David. Maybe, if he didn’t try to hit on me after each class. The Orlando Bloom look-a-like artist rescued me one evening from model David’s advances. Grateful I pondered, “why can’t he be our model?”

In spite of everything, I was proud of the work I accomplished and resolved to definitely sign up for another “still life” art class in the future.




Model Ellen and Model David