Renewal

Renewal

My Anchor Word for 2016!

I loved this idea about choosing an anchor word for the year when I first heard about it from a twitter friend last year.

I prayed about finding a word for 2016 and the word renewal kept coming to my mind for about a week. Immediately I knew this would be my anchor word for the year! So I knew the verses in Isaiah 40:29-31 would be a perfect fit for my anchor word, renewal.

"God gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."

What does renewal mean to me?

I created a graphic organizer in my journal and brainstormed words that came to mind:

rest

confidence

strength

clarity

peace

pursue my creative energy

stay out of work politics the best I can

My prayer for renewal in my personal life is to try to live out the "I don't care what people think" motto.  I am someone who does care what people think. I have tried to change over the years and have slowly progressed. There are many reasons why I care what people think, one of which is I am a peacemaker by nature and hate conflict But this year will be my year where I will conquer this motto! I need to not worry about other people and live life confidently!

In addition, I desire to acquire "thicker " skin and not take things so personal.  I am a sensitive person by nature but need to realize it is not about me the majority of the time and stop taking things personal. This trait goes back to the peacemaking part of who I am. I sense tension and conflict in people and somehow think they are angry with me. When I logically take a step back, I clearly see it has nothing to do with me and is what the other person is going through at that time!

My prayer for renewal in my spiritual life is to daily pray this short prayer my priest shared with our church one Sunday morning:

 "Lord interrupt my day with your Presence."

At the end of each day, I want to make a habit of acknowledging where God showed up and say thank you!

Here's to a RENEWED 2016! 

A little late resolution for 2015

***This blog post was started in January and thought I would complete it now. It is sort of a new beginning...a new school year is upon me so felt it was appropriate to post!***

Reflecting on my journey in 2014 is propelling me forward with anticpation to the adventures, both burdensome and gratifying, that await in 2015. 

One of my biggest lessons from 2014 occurred during one of the most difficult health challenges my family had to walk through.

I realized, only by the grace of God, I am one strong woman who was able to cope with everyday life while enduring one of the darkest seasons of my life thus far. By strong I don't mean pretending all is okay and putting on a brave face. I felt safe to express my feelings and deep emotions with those closest to me. I cried from the darkest part of my soul many a night. I wondered why God was not hearing our prayers. But even in those doubts, I continued to hold on, barely, to my rock and fortress. My God.

I did see God's hand. Now on the other side God was listening and in His timing gave us the miracle we prayed for our loved one.  Able to breathe now more deeply, I am a stronger woman from this crazy year.  I feel more confident heading into 2015 embracing what may come and not holding any regrets.  I will continue to develp the beautiful old and new friendships in my life. My community of friends are amazing!

I also boldly took a step of faith and changed churches and denominations and have no regrets. As difficult as the decision was, it was a God thing . Beautiful community, beautiful denomination.Not perfect I am sure but exactly where I need to be during this season of my life.

One of my twitter friends from  the UK comes up with anchor words/ hopes and a verse for  the new year. I thought it was a great idea so I adopted this practice.  Here are my anchor words for 2015...

peace...
hope...
sing...
pray...
love deeply...
do not care what people think...

The verse that God laid on my heart for 2015 is...

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the furture, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

____________________________________

Interestingly, a few weeks after I wrote this post, my loved one faced yet again health challenges that tested our faith and strength. I clung to those anchor words.

I have had a bit of a reprive over the last few months and even enjoyed an incredible holiday to London England in March. I needed this travel adventure and once again loved exploring on my own. I love meeting people and exploring historical sights. I felt peace and a renewed sense of hope. I was even able to meet in person a beautiful human with whom I met blogging! He introduced me to the most amazing coffee shop in all of London!

I am now finishing up a wonderful summer and embarking on a new school year.  I hope to blog more and use this outlet to express myself. It is my prayer to stay out of the water cooler gossip ,not care what people think, and love my students deeply doing my job to the best of my ability.! Praying my loved ones stay healthy! It was a stressful year...wow. But God gave me the strength to make it through. Here's to new resolutions, a few months late. Better late than never!

Made it safely across the other side

The system failed our family.  The system fails most families having to deal with family members who wrestle with chronic mental illnesses.

However, the story does not end there.

It's been a long journey, from thinking we had to put our loved one into a nursing home to the doctors sending us home. After 3 weeks in the hospital, our loved one is home safe and sound.

 The story does not end there!

Two months since hospital release and our loved one is doing amazing-with a few minor setbacks- but overall amazing.

The story does not end there!

In the time of crisis I felt panicked and barely holding on questioning whether or not this journey would end, questioning why God was allowing this to happen to our family.  Now, on the other side, I am forgetting how terrifying this ordeal was. Funny how that is.  Thankful I forget.

But the story does not end there!

What I do remember is how God's hand was upon us the entire time.  He showed up in big and small ways...

From the moment the police arrived at the scene.  They showed amazing care and sensitivity. They immediately knew they were dealing with someone with a mental illness so called for the special police crisis mental health team-a new initiative with our local police department.  Within minutes this team arrived and were phenomenal with our loved one.

From the moment our loved one was admitted to the hospital-after a few technicalities that needed to be addressed! The nurses and doctors were incredible. In addition, God showed up in a big way by having my close friend in charge of the mental health floor the night our loved one was admitted. She had to be reassigned. However, I know our loved one received excellent care because my friend is highly respected and her staff knew our loved one was a close friend! Our loved one was deeply cared for and the staff supported the family incredibly well, despite the legalities of the mental health act.

From the moment my friends supported us practically by bringing by meals and praying for our loved one.

From the moment a care plan was put in place for our loved one's release, which we felt was too soon and were afraid.

But the story does not end there.

Easing our fear of a relapse, we had the police mental health crisis team, and community agencies follow up to see how all of us were doing.

We were referred to a family support group, which I am still currently attending. It has always been my desire to help other families who have loved ones with mental illnesses because there are practically zero resources for family members. This group has been a God-send.  I was encouraged the other day when one of the group members shared with me how hope-filled she is about her loved one who can lead a normal life now after hearing my story. God's hand. Grateful.

The story does not end there because we may have future setbacks with our loved one. But we are more prepared and we have a plan in place. We have been able to be more open with our friends and family helping to reduce the stigma.  We are hopeful.

We made it safely across the other side witnessing God's hand in this entire journey. I still don't have the answers as to why God has allowed this to happen to our family, but do know there is a reason and I need to trust my God.

The story does not end there.
The story will continue...

The Other Side of the Story: honest, raw, transparent musings about the effect of mental illness on families

I can't remember the moment I began to fear my loved one.  But I remember with great clarity the way this fear made me feel. A rush of thoughts ran through my mind rapidly with panic in its undertone.

"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God, my loved one may injure me."
 "Remember this is her illness, it is not personal." 
"Oh my dear God, protect my family." 
"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God I cannot call the police on my loved one."
"Remember this is her illness talking." 
"Oh my dear God, help us." 
"Oh my dear God, look into her eyes. They are empty, blank, evil, confused. This is not my loved one standing before me." 
"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God, she hates me, her flesh and blood who would do anything for her." 
"Oh my dear God, what are those words coming out of her mouth - horrifying, abusive words she doesn't  know what she is saying." 
"Remember this is not personal, it is her illness, this blasted disease." 
"Oh my dear God, she is saying she wants to end her life."
 "Remember this is her illness." 
"Don't let your fear give you away. Stay calm." 
"Remember this is her illness. It is not her fault."
 "It is not your fault." 
"Keep loving her. Don't stop. Pray you won't remember these terrifying, damaging times." 
"It is her illness taking over her precious mind."

I hate this disease. It is so unfair that it attacks beautiful humans and latches on with all its might. They did nothing to deserve this horrible illness. I hate how it destroys the lives of families. I hate how it destroys and torments the lives of precious humans. I hate there is still a stigma surrounding it. I hate that I have had to keep it secret out of respect for my loved one and for my family.  I can no longer.

The pain is too much.  It is a silent killer. I am slowly watching my loved one die- that vivacious, caring, compassionate, gregarious, organized woman has ceased.

 I hate that as a family our hands are tied and we cannot get our loved one the help she needs until it seems it would be too late.   I understand the Mental Health Act was put in place to stop abuse but it is now hindering families from helping their loved ones. Unless we take drastic measures we have to sit and wait.

And watch.

Watch the frightened look deep in our loved one's eyes and soul. 
Watch her paranoia worsen.  
Watch the helpless feeling she is experiencing but cannot express.  
Watch the depths of her soul know something is terribly wrong with her but for some reason is refusing to get the help she needs.

Over the years our loved one has managed her bipolar disorder. However, as she has aged, specifically this past year, she has not been managing it well at all.

Families are forgotten. In the mismanagement of the disorder, families suffer greatly, if not more, in my opinion. We have to learn to cope with it and constantly figure out the new "mystery" rules our loved one has put in place.  We constantly have to "walk on eggshells" out of fear of what our loved one may do. We constantly are trying to repair fractured friendships.  We are constantly trying to solve embarrassing situations. We are constantly having to sort out the practical living issues that arise due to her illness.  I have to watch my other family members have breakdowns and likewise they have to witness my meltdowns when the stress is too much.  We constantly have to hear horrifying words that pierce straight to our heart and pray they are not absorbed into our spirit.

The way we have learned to cope in order to live with this precious loved one with a horrible disease doesn't always work.  We are learning new ways to cope and learning how to change some of our strategies that have not been useful. However, when it comes to family, it is emotional. So we have to do what needs to be done in order to survive.

We are learning it is okay to share our pain with our community of friends and is not being disrespectful to our loved one. We have to allow these wonderful people sharing this journey with us to make their own conclusions. So we have been pleasantly surprised at the acceptance rather than the judgemental, hurtful stigma we have experienced in the past.  We are grateful they still love our loved one and see past this illness to the true person she was created to be sharing space on this planet.

My exhortation to those of you reading this post is this:

As you walk past a person who seems out of sorts and you want to dismiss them as being crazy, 
think of their family. 

If you are afraid of someone with a mental illness, think of their family. 

And don't be  frightened. They are more like you than you realize.  They are just trapped inside their mind with a horrible disease.

But think of their family.  Their family is just like yours.  No different.

Imagine the suffering their families are having to endure. 

Show compassion not fear.

Offer a genuine smile.

And think of their families.

This is the other side of the story.

****UPDATE****

In the middle of writing this post, our loved one was admitted to the hospital. The police actually picked her up yesterday for driving dangerously (Another blessing because she cannot blame us for taking her to the hospital). It is a long story (and miraculously no one was hurt or killed), but God had every detail in place.  We feel tremendously relieved she is getting the help she needs. It has been difficult to watch but we know she is in good hands now. It has been what we have been praying for all summer. She is safe. We are safe.  We are praying as her mind and body heal she will diligently keep on the meds prescribed to her so she will get back to living her life to the fullest as a "beautiful human person." (Pip Wilson) 

Boob Lessons

I had my first mammogram last year. It wasn't as horrible as I had heard. In fact, I didn't think it hurt at all. It was just a little uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about the results, even though my best friend conquered breast cancer. I think subconsciously I thought nothing like that would happen to me. Think again.

I received a call from the hospital one year later saying I am due to have my mammogram. I was surprised as usually they do them every two years. Apparently, the Radiologist felt I had dense breasts and wanted me to begin having mammograms yearly. I call them lumpy breasts which, for the record, I was surprised about. They don't feel lumpy to me!  But I was impressed the hospital was  thorough and notified me of this change. So on December 11, 2013 I toddled off  to the hospital to have my second mammogram.

This time it hurt. It hurt a-LOT! The technician used a small plate (Whatever that means) and couldn't fit my boob on it properly.  My wish for her to switch to the larger plate to save me some agony was not granted! Ouch! When the scan was over I toddled off to work and enjoyed the rest of my day. Little did I know what lay ahead.

A couple of days later I received a call from the hospital asking me to come back in for another scan. I was a wee bit alarmed but only thought they wanted to redo the scan using the larger plate, like I had wished for all along! According to my friends who have had mammograms, this was a common routine. When I called back to confirm the appointment, I found out it was not a redo. Instead they saw something and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.  I began to panic. An assortment of thoughts came flooding to my mind. Everyone brushed it off as just being routine and told me not to worry. But for me, it was a cause for worry and I couldn't brush it off. Of course I was praying all along but clearly I was not accepting God's offer of peace. Thoughts raced through my mind like, is this really happening to me...do I have breast cancer...why God, why me.  Finally I had to say to myself...STOP...many people go through this...you are not alone...don't let fear paralyze you...don't panic yet.

The day came for the ultrasound. All the volunteers and technicians were lovely and calming as I am sure they are used to the look of worry in women's eyes.  It was unnerving. Having the ultrasound go over and over repeatedly the spot on my breast they were concerned about was unnerving. Still worried I asked questions and the technician was vague but kind. Finally she told me she had to get the Radiologist so just relax.

Relax? I was awkwardly positioned on the bed and all alone. Tears began to stream down my face as I talked with God. Well I actually pleaded with God to spare my life. This was the first time I was confronted personally with the brevity of life.  Yet a peace soon came over me as I accepted the fact I could have breast cancer. What was I to do? Wallow in self pity?  Allow panic to ruin my life?  Or realize this could be God's plan, accept it and move forward with strength like thousands of women who have gone on before me in this battle. But, I did beg God  to reveal it was nothing.

The minutes, seeming like hours, passed as I awaited my fate.  Interrupting my thoughts, the Radiologist and technician calmly walked into the room. As they discussed my scan, I immediately knew all was okay. It was nothing apparently...just a swollen gland.  Relief filled my whole being.  The Radiologist left. The technician was giving me final instructions. I opened my mouth to say thank you but instead my tear ducts opened and expressed my thanks to this sweet, kind woman. She patted me on the hand and quietly whispered, "I know."

The sun was shining brilliantly on that cold December day as I walked to my car thanking God for sparing my life. I was shining brightly too!

Life continued to move on at a fast pace and there was no time for me to process the lessons my boobs were trying to teach me! Aye, but that is the lesson me thinks!

I need to stop. I need to pause. I need to find new ways to get rid of the stress that is slowly eating me so I won't get cancer. It was/is a wake up call.  It also allowed me to express my gratitude for a thorough health care system in this great country of my birth!

Life is a gift.  As I age gracefully, I need to remember to listen to my body and rest in arms of the One who created my beautiful body, mind and soul!

Summer Lesson

Every year this time I always exclaim, "I can't believe summer is over already!" And every year this time I am amazed at how fast my summer holidays fly by! Come Tuesday I am back to work for another school year, so it is time for me to take a breath and reflect on my summer before the crazy adventure starts! 

I am blessed to have such a long holiday and thoroughly enjoyed my time this summer. I did some camping, explored these incredible grotto caves that look like they belong in the Caribbean ocean. (I never knew these existed so close to where I live)! Visited with family, friends. Celebrated my dad's 80th birthday. Went to concerts, basketball games.  Shopped. Enjoyed the mornings on the balcony. Volunteered. Had to deal with a young man who hit my new car! Cried and laughed with my best friend allowing our friendship to go deeper. While on the other hand lost a dear friend who decided she wanted out of our 40 year friendship, which is still shocking to me because I didn't do anything wrong (I did swallow my pride and apologize with no strings attached)! It is a horrible place to be when someone does not forgive you but I have made peace and feel released. I know in my heart I wasn't at fault and have my arms open if she chooses to come back. 

I also had the opportunity to visit another church and it was at that service where I learned my biggest lesson this summer. I actually wept during the sermon, which was a bit embarrassing but I thought this is reality so let it flow! I'm not sure exactly why I reacted this way but loved the minister. She, yes it was a female minister, was wonderful and spoke so eloquently and was theologically sound! She spoke about when Jesus was visiting Mary and Martha's home (Luke 10). I was reminded that I need to sit at Jesus's feet and just be. Just listen. Sit still and listen to what God is calling me to do for this day. 

So every morning, I have been reading through the Psalms, and my "Echoes of Eternity" devotional book and asking, "GOD, WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME TO DO TODAY?"

It has been amazing to me that so many times throughout the day, this question comes into my mind. It puts me back on track and allows me to focus on what is important at that moment. 

So as I enjoy the final days of summer and am ready to start the new school year and embark on a new adventure (I am starting my own part time business in direct sales....a nail wrap company coming to Canada called Jamberry Nails...stay tuned for more info), I will try my best to remain focused on listening to God and asking daily, "What are you calling me to do today God?"  

"Examine me God, from head to foot, order your battery of tests. Make sure I'm fit inside and out so I never lose sight of your love, but keep in step with you never missing a beat." (Psalm 26:2,3 The Message)

Healing from my sweet snow angel

"NC," my sweet snow angel, February 2013

I don't know why but the faith of a child is infectious!  I love how God used the innocent, matter-of- fact, faith of a precious four year old girl to teach me new significance about my faith.  This brown-eyed, humourous, young child with the best hairstyles, gently took my hand and led me down a path where my faith was free again. Restored.

     This sweet child has a wisdom about her that is beyond her years yet still maintains that innocent four year old flare. One day NC approached me and said matter-of-factly, "Miss W, my aunt, who is my dad's sister is black, my dad is black and I am black." I resisted the urge to use sarcasm in responding back to her and just smiled and said, "Really? Wonderful!" Later on that afternoon, she made another comment about being black so I immediately worried she was self conscious of her skin colour. I kindly spoke, " NC, God made us all different for a reason. He made you black and He made me white." Immediately she jumped into the conversation replying confidently, "No Miss W, God made you pink!"  I had to turn away and laugh! Indeed I am pink toned thanks to my Northern Irish roots! Wait until NC sees me in the summer. I am VERY berry pink!
    I quickly learned NC (remember she is a four year old) was a prayer warrior. And it was in her moments of random prayer throughout the year when God tenderly spoke to my heart: My child, you need that boldness and confidence in your prayers again. Don't be afraid, whatever the outcome. Pray expecting I will grant you the desires of your heart my child. And don't forget to pray, "In Jesus' name!"  One day a friend of mine received bad news--her husband was in a terrible work accident.  Under my breath I said, "I need to pray she makes it to the hospital safely." NC thought I was talking to her so she bowed her head and clasped her hands together right there and began to pray for this friend of mine and her husband. I declared, "Amen."  NC piped up and announced, "No Miss W, it is "in Jesus' name" Amen! She then bowed her head again and finished, "In Jesus name, A-MEN!"
     But what really rehabilitated my faith  was a seemingly "random" comment made by NC on a cold, blustery day. On this particular winter day I was actually very sad and feeling sorry for myself because I was not married nor had a family. (The usual hormonal feelings surfacing)! Part of the sadness was a fear I was experiencing that I would be left alone with no help when my parents die. I never vocalized these thoughts to anyone that day.  Anyway, "out of the blue," NC came over to me and whispered in my ear, "Miss W, don't worry God will make people for you so you won't be alone!" Then she toddled off and was gone!

Immediately I began to weep because I clearly knew this moment was a God-moment.  This moment was for me. God was reminding me that He is here, He is listening to me and He will never leave me alone. He WILL provide (and HAS provided) beautiful people along my journey who will care (and who have cared) for me so I won't be alone.  This moment also reminded me to come alongside and care for people in my life right now who appear to be alone so they won't be scared.

This precious angel, my snow angel, has a relationship with God that is so pure and special. She was in tune with God at that moment just when I needed a different perspective. I confidently believe God placed this precious child in my life for a reason. I am eternally grateful. I will pray for NC as she grows and matures into a young woman.  Praying she will continue, in love, to boldly speak truth into people's lives.

 I will never forget my beloved angel God sent to watch over me this year!

20-24 

"God made my life complete

when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

    he gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways;

    I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works;

    I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

    and I’m watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."

(Psalm 18: 20-24, The Message)