about shave

i am selfish. it is the truth. however, i think the underlying problem is fear. i am afraid to see my best friend. finally she is ready to have visitors after her breast cancer diagnosis and i am afraid to visit. she is in the middle of chemo treatments. that means her hair will all be gone. i am afraid to see her sick like this. i have been extremely supportive, as best as i can be from afar. why am i afraid to see her now.

many emotions crowded my mind when i first received her call to tell me she has cancer. shock being the most dominant. you see my sweet shave is more than a best friend to me. she is family. she is my sister, even though we are not related biologically. from that first moment we met when we were 13 years old ( well shave was 12) we knew we would be kindred spirits for life. we have a rich history together marked by pain, suffering, tears, laughter, joy, our journey with Jesus and good 'ole fun. both of us have this unique ability to sense how the other is feeling before we even utter the words. sometimes we don't even need to speak. our friendship truly is a gift. shave is an incredibly wise, beautiful, strong woman who loves her family, friends, and Jesus deeply. there have been snippets of time where i wondered how i would react if shave died. it was difficult to go to that place so i avoided it altogether. until that monday evening on January 18, 2010. our conversation is a blur. yet, what i do know is my first thoughts were selfish: "shave can't die, what am i going to do without her, how will i live without her, she is too young to have cancer (she really does look like she is 16 and i feel like i am a teenager!), God why her, etc." then my mind started questioning my own mortality. selfish. although i do think it is a natural response when faced with such a shock.

my sweet shave didn't need me to be selfish. my sweet shave needed my support now more than ever in whatever way SHE needed it. so after two days of self-pity, i made the right decision and turned my focus to supporting my sistah! i used my creativity to reach out to her in spite of the distance that separated us ( and still does)! i know she was grateful - more than she could express. she also has an incredible support system surrounding her so i knew she would be in good hands. my support lasted for a few weeks then slowly dwindled, which is not in my nature at all. i am a loyal friend.

it is easy to avoid and try to forget from afar. although shave is never far from my thoughts and prayers. i have cried many tears for shave and her family. yet, if i am to be honest with myself, i kind of like the distance that separates us. why? is it because i can go about my normal routine and pretend nothing is wrong? is it because i'm afraid to face my own fears? why am i so afraid of death when i am secure in knowing where i stand when i die ? maybe it's not a fear of death at all but rather of being left all alone on this earth with no one to care for me. ( in my head i know this is not true!) or is it because i am emotionally spent with my own family "stuff" going on ? is it because maybe shave knows she might die from this disease? apparently the doctors got everything and nothing spread to her lympth nodes. the chemo is a standard treatment precaution. so the prognosis is apparently good. however, something was up with shave when i last visited her the end of december, before the news. i can't explain it. i just know. it's that kindred spirit thing! but it did bother me prior to her news. we didn't talk about it, not yet anyways.

i needed to get this out of me. i needed to piece together how and why i am feeling this way. i need to process. i feel free to share in my space here. i know i am being selfish. i know this is about shave and not me. yet i am still selfish. i am scared.

one thing i do know for sure. i WILL go to visit my sweet shave on saturday and when i finally meet her face to face, i will hug her tightly and we will cry for a long time. then we will laugh. she will NOT see my fear. she will NOT see my selfishness. she WILL know she is loved. she WILL know she is supported. she WILL know the day is all about her. and that is the truth.