The Reality of Life When A Loved One Has a Mental Illness

The day I feared is here.

My loved one who has a mental illness has been doing amazing for the past year and a half since hospitalization--the worst year of my family's life.

She is back to her old self once again.

Amazing what a change in medication can do for a person. This was the needed change after years on the same meds.

My loved one always took her meds, never missed a dose. But with age and being on the same meds for years her poor body couldn't handle it.

We have loved being able to breathe again.

We love having our loved one back!  Our loved one is so content and happy !

The only side effect is our loved one sleeps a great deal...is very tried all the time with little energy. It is complicated as we are not sure if it is age or a side effect of the meds.

Well I did a bit of research and unfortunately feel it is a side effect of the meds. Other heart tests our loved one had have revealed nothing. So it is probably due to the new meds.

My fear has always been that her psychiatrist would change her meds due to these side effects. We do not want to go through the hell we experienced 2 years ago. We want our loved one like we have her now. Balanced. Peaceful.

Well, my fears are realized....her psychiatrist changed her meds at her appointment this past week--Only by half a dose and only one of the pills. However we have no idea if this will change her personality again.

I am praying to my God that it will not.

I am crying out to my God to allow her to be who she is and to continue to experience this peace and balance while not experiencing these debilitating side effects.

I have to trust God.
I have to trust this psychiatrist.

It is very difficult to trust and not worry about something I have no control over.

The pain of the ordeal we experienced has surfaced again.

Yet I need to trust and leave this in the hands of God and the psychiatrist.

At least we are prepared if something does go terribly wrong.

We know the drill.

We know the sytem.

We know the pain.

We know we can get to the other side.

But if it should happen again our scars may not heal.

The title of my autobiography would be...

My friend Pip has begun a series called, Becoming Questions .  Here is his latest question:

What would be the title of your autobiography and why?

The title of my autobiography would be:

"Strong After All:  The adventure of life that was explored."

Why?

I guess my life motto has been, "life is an adventure waiting to be explored." I have no idea if I copied this saying from someone or modified a quote to suit me. But somewhere along the way I adopted this motto for my life.

In addition,  my brothers would always say to me when we were young that I was "socially inadequate." You see, I always fumbled with words. In my head I knew exactly what I wanted to say but it came out all mumble jumbled. It didn't help that my two older brothers made fun of me. These words have never left really even though I am not bitter and am a confident woman now. But I always struggled with self esteem issues in this area and never felt I was strong. I felt I never had anything of value to say.

I was also always overshadowed by my two dearest friends I chummed around with all the time. They were the popular ones whom everyone seemed to listen to.

Who knew... I WAS strong after all!  Even though some insecurities creep back into my soul at times, I know I DO have something of value to say!

I look back over my life and not only see God's hand upon it, I see a strong, independent, smart, beautiful woman who loved life to the fullest and was always up for adventures. No where was she socially inadequate and no where did her voice need to be silenced.

I cannot believe I moved to a totally new city, far from home, knowing no one and formed a new life for myself. I cannot believe I lived in Sweden for a year. I cannot believe I travelled the world-well part of our world-on my own. I cannot believe I backpacked across Europe experiencing incredible adventures. I cannot believe I made it across a zip line ropes course at camp as an adult. I cannot believe I survived the worst year and a half of my life living through my loved one's mental health challenges. I cannot believe I had the courage to leave a toxic church and find peace in my new parish.

Who knew I was strong. I AM strong. I am proud. I am proud I inherited this strength from my Grandmothers.

Who knew I WAS socially adequate. I AM socially adequate.

Who knew I had a voice. I HAVE an important voice.

Look out world! God is not finished with me yet. More adventures await.

Never stop exploring. Never stop using your voice. Stop believing the lies and believe the truth.

STRONG AFTER ALL!

If I had a tattoo on the palm of my right hand...

My trademark is a whale.

 Not just any whale.

But one I have been drawing since I was 12 years old.

 Why? 

My last name is 'Whale'n. All my life everyone has asked me how to spell my last name (And my first for that matter) and I would always say, " It's a whale with an N at the end!" But I already have my whale tattoo on my back which I LOVE! 

So...what tattoo would I put on the palm of my right hand?

I think I would have a handwritten message from each of my Grandmothers' letters they wrote me saying they were praying for me. I would also try to include messages from my parents. Why?

Family and faith is important to me. I loved receiving the hand written letters from my grandmas (my grandfathers died when I was 4 so I barely remember them)over the years and their beautiful words of encouragement to spur me on in my faith and in my life.

My parents give me beautiful cards all the time for every occasion expressing their love for me. When my parents die, which could be soon,  I will have no one left who loves me uncondtionally (except God)!

So I would love a reminder everyday of this love my family had for me to continue to spur me on in my life without them. I want the incredible legacy -the hard times too- to be imprinted on me so I can remember to share that legacy of faith and love with those that come behind me. When I get sad and lonely I want to see their words and know they are in my heart forever and are watching me from above.

In addition, cursive writing here in Canada is becoming obsolete. I feel there is something special seeing peoples' personal handwritten lines. I even bought an old book at an antique store once because I was intrigued by the inscription in the front cover handwritten in fountain pen ink! Cursive writing is unique to each of us and unique to my family. Seeing their writing brings me comfort. 

I will need comfort when they are gone! When I am lost I will look at the palm of my right hand and find my way once again.