Honesty...is such a lonely word...

Today is actually Saturday, April 4th. I have been experiencing a wee bit of "writer's block" the last couple of weeks. I had been working on a story but it just didn't feel ready to post. I did some editing and still wasn't satisfied. However, I downsized the story and decided to post it below.

First though, I was thrilled to be tagged by Girl Found , a wonderfully honest blog from the heart of a beautiful girl who lives with bipolar. The challenge is to list 10 totally honest things about yourself, then pass the award onto 7 other blogs that you think are brilliant and well worth a visit. I figured this would be a good way to get the creativity flowing again! I try to live my life as honest as possible so here goes:

1. I have NEVER eaten a hamburger at McDonald's.

2. I am a recovered shoplifter! The incident occurred when I was 8 years old just after my Saturday morning bowling class. My friend and I were in Boots ( no longer in Canada) and spied a Raggedy Ann greeting card and bubble gum we longed to hold in our possession. We never got caught. Yet, it scared us enough to never shoplift again.

3. Sometimes late at night, usually once a month, I get this intense craving for a bag of chips. So I will get out of my pajamas and drive to my neighbourhood convenience store in order to satisfy my craving. I am worried the sales clerk will be on to my routine so I try switching to different convenience stores in the vicinity!(I'm sure the sales clerk has better things to do than think about my eating habits!!)

4. That brings me to the next honest thing about me: I worry way too much what people think of me - still. I think it is a curse! I have improved significantly over the years however still obviously suffer from this "syndrome!"

5. I fled the scene of a crime. It was the summer of '77. I had been swimming for the day at Camp Samac. Taking a break, I decided to wander the trails alone. (Why I was alone is still a mystery to me...I guess it was the 70's and safe to do so!) When I was crossing the narrow bridge that led back to the swimming pool, a cyclist riding at full throttle down the hill approached the bridge yelling for me to get out of the way. There was a sign posted that prohibited bicycles on the foot bridge. I remember being terribly frightened. I remember the adrenalin surging throughout my body. I clung tightly to the edge and tried with all my might to get out of his way. I remember the mangled mess of metal on the ground. His bike must have nicked my foot as he flew past. I remember seeing him lying on the ground believing he was dead and that I was responsible. I remember my feet moving at lightening speed back to the safety of my friends at the pool. I remember hearing the loud siren of the ambulance. I still wonder if he survived. I never told a soul until now.

6. I love skinny dipping on a cool summer's night.

7. The only time in my life when I have felt completely and utterly free to be me-to be EXACTLY who God created me to be, was on my solo trip to Paris two years ago. It felt AMAZING to have no expectations placed on me, to have no one criticizing or judging me ( even with my attempts to speak French- no criticism by the French people, only gratitude that led to interesting conversations!) to do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. No outside pressures. I felt so ALIVE. I go back to that place almost everyday! My authentic, God-breathed soul had an outpouring in Paris, a city I came to love!

8. I hate hypocrisy, especially in the church. Even though in God's eyes sin is sin, for me personally I think hypocrisy in the church is the greatest sin. I have little theological proof, however I do know hypocrisy in the church/amongst Christians prevents people from knowing God. And in some cases, Christians walk away from God. Shame on us who claim to be Christians and continually misrepresent God. Alas, there is hope...see my original post below!

9. I have discovered this week that subconsciously I have been doubting God can answer prayer. It reared itself at church as I was singing and helping to lead worship. I know these doubts stem from the seemingly unanswered prayer I have been praying for years. I am angry at God for not granting me the desire of my heart to be married and have a family. I weep silently as it seems it is not part of God's plan ( not yet anyways) for me to have the privilege of having children and raising these precious gifts. In essence, I am grieving. I thought I had dealt with this grief. I haven't put my life on hold that is for sure, but something in this woman's heart, both physiologically and practically/emotionally always desired a family. I know I would make a great mommy! Yes, there are options but I am a traditional kind of gal and want to do it with a husband. ( no pun intended!!:))

10. Every day I live with a family member who is wrestling with a disease that is slowly killing them. And I am not free to share my pain in living through this alongside them due to the stigma attached to this disease. Also, I have to be sensitive to the parties involved as some do read my blog occasionally! Sadly, I don't feel free to even share it with my church community as most just don't understand. All I want is for my church community to pray for us and not judge. My pain is just as real as watching a loved one die of cancer, except I suffer in silence.

There you have it! So now I send out the challenge to my bloggy/robot friends. It was difficult for me to choose 7 because all the blogs I read are fabulous. Some make me laugh, some challenge me spiritually, some challenge me politically, some move me to tears, some offer great practical advice about a myriad of topics such as music and sports. But all offer words of encouragement within this bloggy community. Check out my blogroll. Some blogs I read are not on my blogroll so I will add them a.s.a.p.

*** Here's my original post - parred down!***

"If we claim that we experience a shared life with Jesus and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth-we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin. If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. On the other hand, if we admit our sins-make a clean breast of them-He won't let us down; He'll be true to Himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. " ( 1 John 17-9, The Message)

Jesus in the window of someones apartment in downtown Oshawa, July 2008!

I don't know about you, but that is one of God's promises I cling to unceasingly. Admit my sin. Receive God's forgiveness. Amazing unconditional love! Freedom.

One final tidbit before I sign off. I received this magazine in the post on Tuesday...

I am now a "published author!" One of my blog posts made it into this local magazine! I was thrilled.

Have a great week everyone!