The title of my autobiography would be...

My friend Pip has begun a series called, Becoming Questions .  Here is his latest question:

What would be the title of your autobiography and why?

The title of my autobiography would be:

"Strong After All:  The adventure of life that was explored."

Why?

I guess my life motto has been, "life is an adventure waiting to be explored." I have no idea if I copied this saying from someone or modified a quote to suit me. But somewhere along the way I adopted this motto for my life.

In addition,  my brothers would always say to me when we were young that I was "socially inadequate." You see, I always fumbled with words. In my head I knew exactly what I wanted to say but it came out all mumble jumbled. It didn't help that my two older brothers made fun of me. These words have never left really even though I am not bitter and am a confident woman now. But I always struggled with self esteem issues in this area and never felt I was strong. I felt I never had anything of value to say.

I was also always overshadowed by my two dearest friends I chummed around with all the time. They were the popular ones whom everyone seemed to listen to.

Who knew... I WAS strong after all!  Even though some insecurities creep back into my soul at times, I know I DO have something of value to say!

I look back over my life and not only see God's hand upon it, I see a strong, independent, smart, beautiful woman who loved life to the fullest and was always up for adventures. No where was she socially inadequate and no where did her voice need to be silenced.

I cannot believe I moved to a totally new city, far from home, knowing no one and formed a new life for myself. I cannot believe I lived in Sweden for a year. I cannot believe I travelled the world-well part of our world-on my own. I cannot believe I backpacked across Europe experiencing incredible adventures. I cannot believe I made it across a zip line ropes course at camp as an adult. I cannot believe I survived the worst year and a half of my life living through my loved one's mental health challenges. I cannot believe I had the courage to leave a toxic church and find peace in my new parish.

Who knew I was strong. I AM strong. I am proud. I am proud I inherited this strength from my Grandmothers.

Who knew I WAS socially adequate. I AM socially adequate.

Who knew I had a voice. I HAVE an important voice.

Look out world! God is not finished with me yet. More adventures await.

Never stop exploring. Never stop using your voice. Stop believing the lies and believe the truth.

STRONG AFTER ALL!

If I had a tattoo on the palm of my right hand...

My trademark is a whale.

 Not just any whale.

But one I have been drawing since I was 12 years old.

 Why? 

My last name is 'Whale'n. All my life everyone has asked me how to spell my last name (And my first for that matter) and I would always say, " It's a whale with an N at the end!" But I already have my whale tattoo on my back which I LOVE! 

So...what tattoo would I put on the palm of my right hand?

I think I would have a handwritten message from each of my Grandmothers' letters they wrote me saying they were praying for me. I would also try to include messages from my parents. Why?

Family and faith is important to me. I loved receiving the hand written letters from my grandmas (my grandfathers died when I was 4 so I barely remember them)over the years and their beautiful words of encouragement to spur me on in my faith and in my life.

My parents give me beautiful cards all the time for every occasion expressing their love for me. When my parents die, which could be soon,  I will have no one left who loves me uncondtionally (except God)!

So I would love a reminder everyday of this love my family had for me to continue to spur me on in my life without them. I want the incredible legacy -the hard times too- to be imprinted on me so I can remember to share that legacy of faith and love with those that come behind me. When I get sad and lonely I want to see their words and know they are in my heart forever and are watching me from above.

In addition, cursive writing here in Canada is becoming obsolete. I feel there is something special seeing peoples' personal handwritten lines. I even bought an old book at an antique store once because I was intrigued by the inscription in the front cover handwritten in fountain pen ink! Cursive writing is unique to each of us and unique to my family. Seeing their writing brings me comfort. 

I will need comfort when they are gone! When I am lost I will look at the palm of my right hand and find my way once again.

The Last Time I Cried

A beautiful human soul whom I now call friend, loves to ask unique questions. These questions bring conversations to a deeper level where honesty, vulnerability, non-judgement, transperency and love abide. He has actually begun a "Becoming Questions" series posting a new question each week. His question this week sparked a surprising response from me. I thought I would post it here on my blog. Without further adieu...

When was the last time you cried and why?

The last time I cried was last week in my car driving to work. I had to hold back the deep gutteral tears that were forming or I would not be able to see to drive and my contact lens would be blurry all day!  So I released some of the tears but not all.

I need desperately a good gutteral cry but don't have an alone place just yet where I am free to let it all out not worrying about the sounds that come out from deep in my soul.  I am not sure why those deep gutteral tears hit me that particular morning but they have been forming for a while. Why?

Weeping for the stress I have been under the last three years caring for my parents' illnesses. Weeping for the way it tore my family apart. I had to live through it, keep going, be strong, live life. Work. Grieve. No time to weep then.

Weeping for the restoration God brought to our family. A true miracle. Grateful to God.

Weeping for the resentment at having to let go of some of my life to help care for my parents. Weeping for the guilt because they have sacrificed so much for me over the years and have loved me unconditionally. The least I can do is care for them.

Weeping for this season of life. My time is precious with my parents. I don't want to lose them but that is the cycle of life. I am afraid to be left alone. I love them so deeply. The cycle of life continues on.

Weeping because I won't be a mother to my own children. Weeping at the anger towards God for not allowing me to experience a precious life growing inside me and raising that precious child.

Weeping at more anger towards God for not bringing that precious soul mate into my life even though I felt I have lived how He wanted me to live as  a Christian. I am definitely not perfect but I tried my best.

Weeping at these thoughts because I know God has given me a fabulous life and I have experienced so much!  I have not put my life on hold. I am grateful for my life.

Weeping because I am just plain overwelmed.

Clearly I need a gutteral release. And soon!  Funny how many of these same issues I am weeping over return to the forefront of my mind and I weep a little here and there. But I need that deep soul wrenching release. Praying I find a space where I can cry, really cry and be free.

Renewal

Renewal

My Anchor Word for 2016!

I loved this idea about choosing an anchor word for the year when I first heard about it from a twitter friend last year.

I prayed about finding a word for 2016 and the word renewal kept coming to my mind for about a week. Immediately I knew this would be my anchor word for the year! So I knew the verses in Isaiah 40:29-31 would be a perfect fit for my anchor word, renewal.

"God gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."

What does renewal mean to me?

I created a graphic organizer in my journal and brainstormed words that came to mind:

rest

confidence

strength

clarity

peace

pursue my creative energy

stay out of work politics the best I can

My prayer for renewal in my personal life is to try to live out the "I don't care what people think" motto.  I am someone who does care what people think. I have tried to change over the years and have slowly progressed. There are many reasons why I care what people think, one of which is I am a peacemaker by nature and hate conflict But this year will be my year where I will conquer this motto! I need to not worry about other people and live life confidently!

In addition, I desire to acquire "thicker " skin and not take things so personal.  I am a sensitive person by nature but need to realize it is not about me the majority of the time and stop taking things personal. This trait goes back to the peacemaking part of who I am. I sense tension and conflict in people and somehow think they are angry with me. When I logically take a step back, I clearly see it has nothing to do with me and is what the other person is going through at that time!

My prayer for renewal in my spiritual life is to daily pray this short prayer my priest shared with our church one Sunday morning:

 "Lord interrupt my day with your Presence."

At the end of each day, I want to make a habit of acknowledging where God showed up and say thank you!

Here's to a RENEWED 2016! 

A little late resolution for 2015

***This blog post was started in January and thought I would complete it now. It is sort of a new beginning...a new school year is upon me so felt it was appropriate to post!***

Reflecting on my journey in 2014 is propelling me forward with anticpation to the adventures, both burdensome and gratifying, that await in 2015. 

One of my biggest lessons from 2014 occurred during one of the most difficult health challenges my family had to walk through.

I realized, only by the grace of God, I am one strong woman who was able to cope with everyday life while enduring one of the darkest seasons of my life thus far. By strong I don't mean pretending all is okay and putting on a brave face. I felt safe to express my feelings and deep emotions with those closest to me. I cried from the darkest part of my soul many a night. I wondered why God was not hearing our prayers. But even in those doubts, I continued to hold on, barely, to my rock and fortress. My God.

I did see God's hand. Now on the other side God was listening and in His timing gave us the miracle we prayed for our loved one.  Able to breathe now more deeply, I am a stronger woman from this crazy year.  I feel more confident heading into 2015 embracing what may come and not holding any regrets.  I will continue to develp the beautiful old and new friendships in my life. My community of friends are amazing!

I also boldly took a step of faith and changed churches and denominations and have no regrets. As difficult as the decision was, it was a God thing . Beautiful community, beautiful denomination.Not perfect I am sure but exactly where I need to be during this season of my life.

One of my twitter friends from  the UK comes up with anchor words/ hopes and a verse for  the new year. I thought it was a great idea so I adopted this practice.  Here are my anchor words for 2015...

peace...
hope...
sing...
pray...
love deeply...
do not care what people think...

The verse that God laid on my heart for 2015 is...

Romans 8: 35, 37-39

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the furture, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

____________________________________

Interestingly, a few weeks after I wrote this post, my loved one faced yet again health challenges that tested our faith and strength. I clung to those anchor words.

I have had a bit of a reprive over the last few months and even enjoyed an incredible holiday to London England in March. I needed this travel adventure and once again loved exploring on my own. I love meeting people and exploring historical sights. I felt peace and a renewed sense of hope. I was even able to meet in person a beautiful human with whom I met blogging! He introduced me to the most amazing coffee shop in all of London!

I am now finishing up a wonderful summer and embarking on a new school year.  I hope to blog more and use this outlet to express myself. It is my prayer to stay out of the water cooler gossip ,not care what people think, and love my students deeply doing my job to the best of my ability.! Praying my loved ones stay healthy! It was a stressful year...wow. But God gave me the strength to make it through. Here's to new resolutions, a few months late. Better late than never!

Made it safely across the other side

The system failed our family.  The system fails most families having to deal with family members who wrestle with chronic mental illnesses.

However, the story does not end there.

It's been a long journey, from thinking we had to put our loved one into a nursing home to the doctors sending us home. After 3 weeks in the hospital, our loved one is home safe and sound.

 The story does not end there!

Two months since hospital release and our loved one is doing amazing-with a few minor setbacks- but overall amazing.

The story does not end there!

In the time of crisis I felt panicked and barely holding on questioning whether or not this journey would end, questioning why God was allowing this to happen to our family.  Now, on the other side, I am forgetting how terrifying this ordeal was. Funny how that is.  Thankful I forget.

But the story does not end there!

What I do remember is how God's hand was upon us the entire time.  He showed up in big and small ways...

From the moment the police arrived at the scene.  They showed amazing care and sensitivity. They immediately knew they were dealing with someone with a mental illness so called for the special police crisis mental health team-a new initiative with our local police department.  Within minutes this team arrived and were phenomenal with our loved one.

From the moment our loved one was admitted to the hospital-after a few technicalities that needed to be addressed! The nurses and doctors were incredible. In addition, God showed up in a big way by having my close friend in charge of the mental health floor the night our loved one was admitted. She had to be reassigned. However, I know our loved one received excellent care because my friend is highly respected and her staff knew our loved one was a close friend! Our loved one was deeply cared for and the staff supported the family incredibly well, despite the legalities of the mental health act.

From the moment my friends supported us practically by bringing by meals and praying for our loved one.

From the moment a care plan was put in place for our loved one's release, which we felt was too soon and were afraid.

But the story does not end there.

Easing our fear of a relapse, we had the police mental health crisis team, and community agencies follow up to see how all of us were doing.

We were referred to a family support group, which I am still currently attending. It has always been my desire to help other families who have loved ones with mental illnesses because there are practically zero resources for family members. This group has been a God-send.  I was encouraged the other day when one of the group members shared with me how hope-filled she is about her loved one who can lead a normal life now after hearing my story. God's hand. Grateful.

The story does not end there because we may have future setbacks with our loved one. But we are more prepared and we have a plan in place. We have been able to be more open with our friends and family helping to reduce the stigma.  We are hopeful.

We made it safely across the other side witnessing God's hand in this entire journey. I still don't have the answers as to why God has allowed this to happen to our family, but do know there is a reason and I need to trust my God.

The story does not end there.
The story will continue...

The Other Side of the Story: honest, raw, transparent musings about the effect of mental illness on families

I can't remember the moment I began to fear my loved one.  But I remember with great clarity the way this fear made me feel. A rush of thoughts ran through my mind rapidly with panic in its undertone.

"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God, my loved one may injure me."
 "Remember this is her illness, it is not personal." 
"Oh my dear God, protect my family." 
"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God I cannot call the police on my loved one."
"Remember this is her illness talking." 
"Oh my dear God, help us." 
"Oh my dear God, look into her eyes. They are empty, blank, evil, confused. This is not my loved one standing before me." 
"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God, she hates me, her flesh and blood who would do anything for her." 
"Oh my dear God, what are those words coming out of her mouth - horrifying, abusive words she doesn't  know what she is saying." 
"Remember this is not personal, it is her illness, this blasted disease." 
"Oh my dear God, she is saying she wants to end her life."
 "Remember this is her illness." 
"Don't let your fear give you away. Stay calm." 
"Remember this is her illness. It is not her fault."
 "It is not your fault." 
"Keep loving her. Don't stop. Pray you won't remember these terrifying, damaging times." 
"It is her illness taking over her precious mind."

I hate this disease. It is so unfair that it attacks beautiful humans and latches on with all its might. They did nothing to deserve this horrible illness. I hate how it destroys the lives of families. I hate how it destroys and torments the lives of precious humans. I hate there is still a stigma surrounding it. I hate that I have had to keep it secret out of respect for my loved one and for my family.  I can no longer.

The pain is too much.  It is a silent killer. I am slowly watching my loved one die- that vivacious, caring, compassionate, gregarious, organized woman has ceased.

 I hate that as a family our hands are tied and we cannot get our loved one the help she needs until it seems it would be too late.   I understand the Mental Health Act was put in place to stop abuse but it is now hindering families from helping their loved ones. Unless we take drastic measures we have to sit and wait.

And watch.

Watch the frightened look deep in our loved one's eyes and soul. 
Watch her paranoia worsen.  
Watch the helpless feeling she is experiencing but cannot express.  
Watch the depths of her soul know something is terribly wrong with her but for some reason is refusing to get the help she needs.

Over the years our loved one has managed her bipolar disorder. However, as she has aged, specifically this past year, she has not been managing it well at all.

Families are forgotten. In the mismanagement of the disorder, families suffer greatly, if not more, in my opinion. We have to learn to cope with it and constantly figure out the new "mystery" rules our loved one has put in place.  We constantly have to "walk on eggshells" out of fear of what our loved one may do. We constantly are trying to repair fractured friendships.  We are constantly trying to solve embarrassing situations. We are constantly having to sort out the practical living issues that arise due to her illness.  I have to watch my other family members have breakdowns and likewise they have to witness my meltdowns when the stress is too much.  We constantly have to hear horrifying words that pierce straight to our heart and pray they are not absorbed into our spirit.

The way we have learned to cope in order to live with this precious loved one with a horrible disease doesn't always work.  We are learning new ways to cope and learning how to change some of our strategies that have not been useful. However, when it comes to family, it is emotional. So we have to do what needs to be done in order to survive.

We are learning it is okay to share our pain with our community of friends and is not being disrespectful to our loved one. We have to allow these wonderful people sharing this journey with us to make their own conclusions. So we have been pleasantly surprised at the acceptance rather than the judgemental, hurtful stigma we have experienced in the past.  We are grateful they still love our loved one and see past this illness to the true person she was created to be sharing space on this planet.

My exhortation to those of you reading this post is this:

As you walk past a person who seems out of sorts and you want to dismiss them as being crazy, 
think of their family. 

If you are afraid of someone with a mental illness, think of their family. 

And don't be  frightened. They are more like you than you realize.  They are just trapped inside their mind with a horrible disease.

But think of their family.  Their family is just like yours.  No different.

Imagine the suffering their families are having to endure. 

Show compassion not fear.

Offer a genuine smile.

And think of their families.

This is the other side of the story.

****UPDATE****

In the middle of writing this post, our loved one was admitted to the hospital. The police actually picked her up yesterday for driving dangerously (Another blessing because she cannot blame us for taking her to the hospital). It is a long story (and miraculously no one was hurt or killed), but God had every detail in place.  We feel tremendously relieved she is getting the help she needs. It has been difficult to watch but we know she is in good hands now. It has been what we have been praying for all summer. She is safe. We are safe.  We are praying as her mind and body heal she will diligently keep on the meds prescribed to her so she will get back to living her life to the fullest as a "beautiful human person." (Pip Wilson)