Why is this necklace meaningful to me?

Why is my mona cross choker from Lines and Currents  Belfast, Northern Ireland, meaningful to me? 

First, it is a reminder of my heritage. My maternal grandparents were born in Northern Ireland and had strong faith in God. I am grateful for this legacy passed down to me.

Second, it reminds me of the privilege I had last year (February 2020) of being with my mom as she lay dying from the complications of dementia. My mom was so proud her parents were from Northern Ireland and took us to visit so many times, even in the 80's during the troubles! These incredible holidays I experienced are one of the reasons I have a great love for Northern Ireland and love supporting small local businesses! 

In those last weeks, my mom stopped eating and exhibited hurtful behaviour thanks to the horrible disease of dementia, I didn't know how to be in that space.  Interestingly, a penpal of mine from NI spoke some beautiful words into my life after she read my IG post! She suggested I think of being in that difficult space as both a daughter and caregiver as a holy place, an altar. Just be still and allow my mom to lead-wherever that takes me. And pray for God to give me peace. 

Those words were wise and allowed me to change my attitude into truly seeing my time with my mom as a privilege.  I let go of how I wanted her dying to be and embraced the "dementia altar" as a holy space.   I am grateful God allowed me to have this time with her even though it was so difficult. 

That primal mother instinct, like breathing, does not stop until their very last breath. My mom was my mom right to the very end. It was so powerful. So beautiful. So holy. So peaceful.

Wearing this choker keeps my mom close and reminds me that God is always with me. I am reflecting my mom's love and her love of her roots everywhere I go in my mona cross choker! 

Stop

I am having a a wee love-hate relationship right now with social media. 🤣😂

Long before the term influencer and branding were hashtags on instgram and long before selfies, I was all over the latest social media trends. Hopped on board twitter from the beginning when it was boring and only a few people on it. I have been a blogger over on Blogger since 2006! Was one of the first of my friends on instagram when it was all about posting cool photos.

Social media is an amazing tool now for all sorts of avenues, especially promoting a business and/or a cause. Yet, for me something has shifted.

Now I feel a pressure that I have never felt before. Now I have found I am comparing myself to all the "influencers" out there. Now I am thinking I am not good enough.  Now I am feeling I am not branding myself enough or in the right way. Like I have no idea how to pose with my one leg straight behind me and my other let slightly bent  and hip out without falling over.You know what I am talking about! 😉 How do ya'll do that?!

I don't like the fact I am comparing myself one bit to what I see on social media. I always have loved getting to know people and love seeing their lives posted on social media. I used to have a penpal back in the day when we actually wrote ✒letters✉ to people!😉 So this what I call  modern day penpals!

Somehow though I have lost sight of that simplicity that once excited me. I have lost sight of my own dreams and goals. I have lost a bit of my confidence. I rebel against all those perfect photos we see (Yes I try to post the perfect shot too)!

So I am trying to take a step back and tell myself to👉 🛑STOP🛑 comparing myself to what other people are doing! Remember I am on my own journey! Remember I am a confident, strong, fierce woman. Remember I am just where I need to be. Remember why I started doing what I am doing in the first place!  Have fun! Laugh more! Continue to be who God created me to be. Continue to learn and grow. Continue to be authenic! But STOP the comparison tape📼

#beconfident #beauthentic #bebrave #stopcomparing #bossbabe #canadianentrepreneur #selflove #instagood #bestrong #befierce #bereal

Words

Words.
Powerful.
Words span decades, making an impact.
Crafting sentences carefully together to create beautiful works of art.
Art we have memorized.

"I dreamt I went to Manderley again."
"To be or not to be. That is the question."
"For God so loved the world He gave His one and only son."

Imagination.
Words can take us to another world helping us forget our circumstances for just a brief moment.
Symbolism.
Grammar.
Spelling.
Recitation.
Poems.
Prose.
Words can teach us life lessons. Make us laugh.  Make us cry.  Inspire us to action.

Yet words can have a negative impact and cut deep.
Deep into our souls.
Wounding.
Creating wounds that linger.
That never forget.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me."
-a rhyme we heard as young children.  Contrary to this, I have learned names/words do hurt us. 

I am guilty of saying things I regret.  At times I have not sought forgiveness. And at times I have.  Words of healing. But still. The words are out there and cannot be taken back.
Sometimes we never know the impact of the words that come out of our mouths.  Something said in jest can encourage a stranger or can cause pain to a friend.

Let us be mindful of the words forming in our minds.  As they exit our mouth may they be the ones that encourage, inspire and not tear down.

Words.
Powerful.
Beautiful.
Timeless.
Created from the letters of the alphabet.
ABC.

Facing Fears Head On

Fear.
It can be crippling,
Or it can move you to action.

In recent years, I have acquired fears that have been crippling. One thing I have found helpful in overcoming those  fears is to make a plan. I am not the best at setting goals 📝because I live in the moment. I am not a visionary. But I do try and it helps greatly.

One fear that has held me back is my fear of driving🚗 on the 401(The main freeway🛣 that runs along Lake Ontario and is part of the Trans Canada🇨🇦 Highway system). Crazy. I grew up driving on this busy, insane highway. What changed? Age👵🏼, near misses, increased volume of vehicles, transport trucks⛟, crazy weather ⛈reducing visibility, driving alone. The 401 is basically the only way to get places like to Niagara Falls, other provinces, etc.

I have the luxury of having summers off so I should be exploring 🛵our great province and venturing to other provinces. I am single and have few commitments. But fear holds me back.

But, I am working hard at changing that. So when the opportunity arose for me to meet my cousin in Toronto, I had to face my fear and just do it! And do it I did! 😉

We had a lovely visit 🤗catching up as we do not see each other often. We are the same age so it is fun connecting. I am so glad I didn't let fear hold me back.

It takes courage🧚‍♀️
It takes encouragement👏
It takes a plan📝
It takes faith like my t-shirt👚 says:

"Let your faith be bigger than your fears."

It takes stepping out🏃‍♀️and going for it!

❓What fears hold you back? What strategies help you overcome those fears?❓

So this summer 🏖I am going to step out of my comfort zone, face my fears and explore! Opportunity and adventure await!

Karyne
xo

When are we going to love the people no one else loves?

For some reason today in church I was reminded of the time I heard this speaker, Tony Campolo, at a conference for university students. One particular story spoke to my heart. After sharing the story with us, he said,

"When are we going to love the people no one else loves."

It has been 30 years and I have never forgotten this message. But now the context has changed.

December 31, 1987. I was a university student at Ryerson in Toronto and  had the privilege of attending this student conference at the University of Illinois, Urbana campus. The event was sponsored by Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship.

During this era, AIDS was a disease no one really knew anything about, except it was terminal and it was a disease apparently rampant in the gay community. I remember in high school when my grade 13 (1985-86) biology classmates had to do a project  on this "thing" called acquired immune deficiency syndrome. There was not much knowledge at that time about AIDS/HIV. I know I was afraid. I was afraid to get close to anyone I knew who was gay for fear of getting AIDS. We were misinformed how it was spread.

So when I was a nursing student at Ryerson, I was very fearful of coming in contact with any blood. And I was fearful of people who were gay, not because of their lifestyle but because of this misinformed information surrounding the AIDS crisis. I remember struggling as a christian because I knew I should love these people but was in fear of contracting this disease. Many people were dying from AIDS in the 80's.

Tony spoke of a friend of his who was a pastor. To earn extra money, he would conduct funerals. One particular funeral no pastor wanted to officiate because the person died of AIDS. So Tony's friend took the funeral. At the end of the service, all these gay men asked if this pastor could read some of their favourite scriptures, like Romans 8..."nothing can separate us from the love of God..."  Nothing can separate us from God's love. Nothing.

Then Tony passionately asked, "when are we going to love the people no one else loves?" At that moment I knew I needed to change my attitude towards those living with AIDS/HIV.  I didn't need to be afraid. I needed to love. I needed to show God's love to these beautiful humans who were afraid and very ill. If my idol at the time, Princess Diana, could shake hands with someone dying of AIDS/HIV then so could I!

But now the context has changed in our world. We rarely hear of people dying of AIDS anymore thanks to medical breakthroughs. 

 I encourage you to find the AIDS Memorial in downtown Toronto at Church and Wellesley streets. I had the privilege of being led through this memorial a few summers ago. I wept. Etched onto plaques  are the names of more than 2700  loved ones who have died of AIDS/HIV in Toronto .  As I strolled through this memorial, I noticed there were more names in the 80's and early 90s than present day. There is now hope.

However, the same fear lingers. But the context has changed.

 Today it is not about AIDS. Today it is about those who are transgender. Today it is about those who are muslim. Today it is about _____. You fill in the blank. We may not agree with certain lifestyles or certain religions.  We may not understand.   We may be fearful.  But we need to remember God is the Creator of these humans.  God is the Creator of you and I. God loves these humans  as much as He loves you and I.  Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Nothing.

When are we going to love the people no one else loves?

The Reality of Life When A Loved One Has a Mental Illness

The day I feared is here.

My loved one who has a mental illness has been doing amazing for the past year and a half since hospitalization--the worst year of my family's life.

She is back to her old self once again.

Amazing what a change in medication can do for a person. This was the needed change after years on the same meds.

My loved one always took her meds, never missed a dose. But with age and being on the same meds for years her poor body couldn't handle it.

We have loved being able to breathe again.

We love having our loved one back!  Our loved one is so content and happy !

The only side effect is our loved one sleeps a great deal...is very tried all the time with little energy. It is complicated as we are not sure if it is age or a side effect of the meds.

Well I did a bit of research and unfortunately feel it is a side effect of the meds. Other heart tests our loved one had have revealed nothing. So it is probably due to the new meds.

My fear has always been that her psychiatrist would change her meds due to these side effects. We do not want to go through the hell we experienced 2 years ago. We want our loved one like we have her now. Balanced. Peaceful.

Well, my fears are realized....her psychiatrist changed her meds at her appointment this past week--Only by half a dose and only one of the pills. However we have no idea if this will change her personality again.

I am praying to my God that it will not.

I am crying out to my God to allow her to be who she is and to continue to experience this peace and balance while not experiencing these debilitating side effects.

I have to trust God.
I have to trust this psychiatrist.

It is very difficult to trust and not worry about something I have no control over.

The pain of the ordeal we experienced has surfaced again.

Yet I need to trust and leave this in the hands of God and the psychiatrist.

At least we are prepared if something does go terribly wrong.

We know the drill.

We know the sytem.

We know the pain.

We know we can get to the other side.

But if it should happen again our scars may not heal.

The title of my autobiography would be...

My friend Pip has begun a series called, Becoming Questions .  Here is his latest question:

What would be the title of your autobiography and why?

The title of my autobiography would be:

"Strong After All:  The adventure of life that was explored."

Why?

I guess my life motto has been, "life is an adventure waiting to be explored." I have no idea if I copied this saying from someone or modified a quote to suit me. But somewhere along the way I adopted this motto for my life.

In addition,  my brothers would always say to me when we were young that I was "socially inadequate." You see, I always fumbled with words. In my head I knew exactly what I wanted to say but it came out all mumble jumbled. It didn't help that my two older brothers made fun of me. These words have never left really even though I am not bitter and am a confident woman now. But I always struggled with self esteem issues in this area and never felt I was strong. I felt I never had anything of value to say.

I was also always overshadowed by my two dearest friends I chummed around with all the time. They were the popular ones whom everyone seemed to listen to.

Who knew... I WAS strong after all!  Even though some insecurities creep back into my soul at times, I know I DO have something of value to say!

I look back over my life and not only see God's hand upon it, I see a strong, independent, smart, beautiful woman who loved life to the fullest and was always up for adventures. No where was she socially inadequate and no where did her voice need to be silenced.

I cannot believe I moved to a totally new city, far from home, knowing no one and formed a new life for myself. I cannot believe I lived in Sweden for a year. I cannot believe I travelled the world-well part of our world-on my own. I cannot believe I backpacked across Europe experiencing incredible adventures. I cannot believe I made it across a zip line ropes course at camp as an adult. I cannot believe I survived the worst year and a half of my life living through my loved one's mental health challenges. I cannot believe I had the courage to leave a toxic church and find peace in my new parish.

Who knew I was strong. I AM strong. I am proud. I am proud I inherited this strength from my Grandmothers.

Who knew I WAS socially adequate. I AM socially adequate.

Who knew I had a voice. I HAVE an important voice.

Look out world! God is not finished with me yet. More adventures await.

Never stop exploring. Never stop using your voice. Stop believing the lies and believe the truth.

STRONG AFTER ALL!

If I had a tattoo on the palm of my right hand...

My trademark is a whale.

 Not just any whale.

But one I have been drawing since I was 12 years old.

 Why? 

My last name is 'Whale'n. All my life everyone has asked me how to spell my last name (And my first for that matter) and I would always say, " It's a whale with an N at the end!" But I already have my whale tattoo on my back which I LOVE! 

So...what tattoo would I put on the palm of my right hand?

I think I would have a handwritten message from each of my Grandmothers' letters they wrote me saying they were praying for me. I would also try to include messages from my parents. Why?

Family and faith is important to me. I loved receiving the hand written letters from my grandmas (my grandfathers died when I was 4 so I barely remember them)over the years and their beautiful words of encouragement to spur me on in my faith and in my life.

My parents give me beautiful cards all the time for every occasion expressing their love for me. When my parents die, which could be soon,  I will have no one left who loves me uncondtionally (except God)!

So I would love a reminder everyday of this love my family had for me to continue to spur me on in my life without them. I want the incredible legacy -the hard times too- to be imprinted on me so I can remember to share that legacy of faith and love with those that come behind me. When I get sad and lonely I want to see their words and know they are in my heart forever and are watching me from above.

In addition, cursive writing here in Canada is becoming obsolete. I feel there is something special seeing peoples' personal handwritten lines. I even bought an old book at an antique store once because I was intrigued by the inscription in the front cover handwritten in fountain pen ink! Cursive writing is unique to each of us and unique to my family. Seeing their writing brings me comfort. 

I will need comfort when they are gone! When I am lost I will look at the palm of my right hand and find my way once again.

The Last Time I Cried

A beautiful human soul whom I now call friend, loves to ask unique questions. These questions bring conversations to a deeper level where honesty, vulnerability, non-judgement, transperency and love abide. He has actually begun a "Becoming Questions" series posting a new question each week. His question this week sparked a surprising response from me. I thought I would post it here on my blog. Without further adieu...

When was the last time you cried and why?

The last time I cried was last week in my car driving to work. I had to hold back the deep gutteral tears that were forming or I would not be able to see to drive and my contact lens would be blurry all day!  So I released some of the tears but not all.

I need desperately a good gutteral cry but don't have an alone place just yet where I am free to let it all out not worrying about the sounds that come out from deep in my soul.  I am not sure why those deep gutteral tears hit me that particular morning but they have been forming for a while. Why?

Weeping for the stress I have been under the last three years caring for my parents' illnesses. Weeping for the way it tore my family apart. I had to live through it, keep going, be strong, live life. Work. Grieve. No time to weep then.

Weeping for the restoration God brought to our family. A true miracle. Grateful to God.

Weeping for the resentment at having to let go of some of my life to help care for my parents. Weeping for the guilt because they have sacrificed so much for me over the years and have loved me unconditionally. The least I can do is care for them.

Weeping for this season of life. My time is precious with my parents. I don't want to lose them but that is the cycle of life. I am afraid to be left alone. I love them so deeply. The cycle of life continues on.

Weeping because I won't be a mother to my own children. Weeping at the anger towards God for not allowing me to experience a precious life growing inside me and raising that precious child.

Weeping at more anger towards God for not bringing that precious soul mate into my life even though I felt I have lived how He wanted me to live as  a Christian. I am definitely not perfect but I tried my best.

Weeping at these thoughts because I know God has given me a fabulous life and I have experienced so much!  I have not put my life on hold. I am grateful for my life.

Weeping because I am just plain overwelmed.

Clearly I need a gutteral release. And soon!  Funny how many of these same issues I am weeping over return to the forefront of my mind and I weep a little here and there. But I need that deep soul wrenching release. Praying I find a space where I can cry, really cry and be free.

Renewal

Renewal

My Anchor Word for 2016!

I loved this idea about choosing an anchor word for the year when I first heard about it from a twitter friend last year.

I prayed about finding a word for 2016 and the word renewal kept coming to my mind for about a week. Immediately I knew this would be my anchor word for the year! So I knew the verses in Isaiah 40:29-31 would be a perfect fit for my anchor word, renewal.

"God gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint."

What does renewal mean to me?

I created a graphic organizer in my journal and brainstormed words that came to mind:

rest

confidence

strength

clarity

peace

pursue my creative energy

stay out of work politics the best I can

My prayer for renewal in my personal life is to try to live out the "I don't care what people think" motto.  I am someone who does care what people think. I have tried to change over the years and have slowly progressed. There are many reasons why I care what people think, one of which is I am a peacemaker by nature and hate conflict But this year will be my year where I will conquer this motto! I need to not worry about other people and live life confidently!

In addition, I desire to acquire "thicker " skin and not take things so personal.  I am a sensitive person by nature but need to realize it is not about me the majority of the time and stop taking things personal. This trait goes back to the peacemaking part of who I am. I sense tension and conflict in people and somehow think they are angry with me. When I logically take a step back, I clearly see it has nothing to do with me and is what the other person is going through at that time!

My prayer for renewal in my spiritual life is to daily pray this short prayer my priest shared with our church one Sunday morning:

 "Lord interrupt my day with your Presence."

At the end of each day, I want to make a habit of acknowledging where God showed up and say thank you!

Here's to a RENEWED 2016! 

Made it safely across the other side

The system failed our family.  The system fails most families having to deal with family members who wrestle with chronic mental illnesses.

However, the story does not end there.

It's been a long journey, from thinking we had to put our loved one into a nursing home to the doctors sending us home. After 3 weeks in the hospital, our loved one is home safe and sound.

 The story does not end there!

Two months since hospital release and our loved one is doing amazing-with a few minor setbacks- but overall amazing.

The story does not end there!

In the time of crisis I felt panicked and barely holding on questioning whether or not this journey would end, questioning why God was allowing this to happen to our family.  Now, on the other side, I am forgetting how terrifying this ordeal was. Funny how that is.  Thankful I forget.

But the story does not end there!

What I do remember is how God's hand was upon us the entire time.  He showed up in big and small ways...

From the moment the police arrived at the scene.  They showed amazing care and sensitivity. They immediately knew they were dealing with someone with a mental illness so called for the special police crisis mental health team-a new initiative with our local police department.  Within minutes this team arrived and were phenomenal with our loved one.

From the moment our loved one was admitted to the hospital-after a few technicalities that needed to be addressed! The nurses and doctors were incredible. In addition, God showed up in a big way by having my close friend in charge of the mental health floor the night our loved one was admitted. She had to be reassigned. However, I know our loved one received excellent care because my friend is highly respected and her staff knew our loved one was a close friend! Our loved one was deeply cared for and the staff supported the family incredibly well, despite the legalities of the mental health act.

From the moment my friends supported us practically by bringing by meals and praying for our loved one.

From the moment a care plan was put in place for our loved one's release, which we felt was too soon and were afraid.

But the story does not end there.

Easing our fear of a relapse, we had the police mental health crisis team, and community agencies follow up to see how all of us were doing.

We were referred to a family support group, which I am still currently attending. It has always been my desire to help other families who have loved ones with mental illnesses because there are practically zero resources for family members. This group has been a God-send.  I was encouraged the other day when one of the group members shared with me how hope-filled she is about her loved one who can lead a normal life now after hearing my story. God's hand. Grateful.

The story does not end there because we may have future setbacks with our loved one. But we are more prepared and we have a plan in place. We have been able to be more open with our friends and family helping to reduce the stigma.  We are hopeful.

We made it safely across the other side witnessing God's hand in this entire journey. I still don't have the answers as to why God has allowed this to happen to our family, but do know there is a reason and I need to trust my God.

The story does not end there.
The story will continue...

The Other Side of the Story: honest, raw, transparent musings about the effect of mental illness on families

I can't remember the moment I began to fear my loved one.  But I remember with great clarity the way this fear made me feel. A rush of thoughts ran through my mind rapidly with panic in its undertone.

"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God, my loved one may injure me."
 "Remember this is her illness, it is not personal." 
"Oh my dear God, protect my family." 
"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God I cannot call the police on my loved one."
"Remember this is her illness talking." 
"Oh my dear God, help us." 
"Oh my dear God, look into her eyes. They are empty, blank, evil, confused. This is not my loved one standing before me." 
"Remember this is her illness." 
"Oh my dear God, she hates me, her flesh and blood who would do anything for her." 
"Oh my dear God, what are those words coming out of her mouth - horrifying, abusive words she doesn't  know what she is saying." 
"Remember this is not personal, it is her illness, this blasted disease." 
"Oh my dear God, she is saying she wants to end her life."
 "Remember this is her illness." 
"Don't let your fear give you away. Stay calm." 
"Remember this is her illness. It is not her fault."
 "It is not your fault." 
"Keep loving her. Don't stop. Pray you won't remember these terrifying, damaging times." 
"It is her illness taking over her precious mind."

I hate this disease. It is so unfair that it attacks beautiful humans and latches on with all its might. They did nothing to deserve this horrible illness. I hate how it destroys the lives of families. I hate how it destroys and torments the lives of precious humans. I hate there is still a stigma surrounding it. I hate that I have had to keep it secret out of respect for my loved one and for my family.  I can no longer.

The pain is too much.  It is a silent killer. I am slowly watching my loved one die- that vivacious, caring, compassionate, gregarious, organized woman has ceased.

 I hate that as a family our hands are tied and we cannot get our loved one the help she needs until it seems it would be too late.   I understand the Mental Health Act was put in place to stop abuse but it is now hindering families from helping their loved ones. Unless we take drastic measures we have to sit and wait.

And watch.

Watch the frightened look deep in our loved one's eyes and soul. 
Watch her paranoia worsen.  
Watch the helpless feeling she is experiencing but cannot express.  
Watch the depths of her soul know something is terribly wrong with her but for some reason is refusing to get the help she needs.

Over the years our loved one has managed her bipolar disorder. However, as she has aged, specifically this past year, she has not been managing it well at all.

Families are forgotten. In the mismanagement of the disorder, families suffer greatly, if not more, in my opinion. We have to learn to cope with it and constantly figure out the new "mystery" rules our loved one has put in place.  We constantly have to "walk on eggshells" out of fear of what our loved one may do. We constantly are trying to repair fractured friendships.  We are constantly trying to solve embarrassing situations. We are constantly having to sort out the practical living issues that arise due to her illness.  I have to watch my other family members have breakdowns and likewise they have to witness my meltdowns when the stress is too much.  We constantly have to hear horrifying words that pierce straight to our heart and pray they are not absorbed into our spirit.

The way we have learned to cope in order to live with this precious loved one with a horrible disease doesn't always work.  We are learning new ways to cope and learning how to change some of our strategies that have not been useful. However, when it comes to family, it is emotional. So we have to do what needs to be done in order to survive.

We are learning it is okay to share our pain with our community of friends and is not being disrespectful to our loved one. We have to allow these wonderful people sharing this journey with us to make their own conclusions. So we have been pleasantly surprised at the acceptance rather than the judgemental, hurtful stigma we have experienced in the past.  We are grateful they still love our loved one and see past this illness to the true person she was created to be sharing space on this planet.

My exhortation to those of you reading this post is this:

As you walk past a person who seems out of sorts and you want to dismiss them as being crazy, 
think of their family. 

If you are afraid of someone with a mental illness, think of their family. 

And don't be  frightened. They are more like you than you realize.  They are just trapped inside their mind with a horrible disease.

But think of their family.  Their family is just like yours.  No different.

Imagine the suffering their families are having to endure. 

Show compassion not fear.

Offer a genuine smile.

And think of their families.

This is the other side of the story.

****UPDATE****

In the middle of writing this post, our loved one was admitted to the hospital. The police actually picked her up yesterday for driving dangerously (Another blessing because she cannot blame us for taking her to the hospital). It is a long story (and miraculously no one was hurt or killed), but God had every detail in place.  We feel tremendously relieved she is getting the help she needs. It has been difficult to watch but we know she is in good hands now. It has been what we have been praying for all summer. She is safe. We are safe.  We are praying as her mind and body heal she will diligently keep on the meds prescribed to her so she will get back to living her life to the fullest as a "beautiful human person." (Pip Wilson) 

Boob Lessons

I had my first mammogram last year. It wasn't as horrible as I had heard. In fact, I didn't think it hurt at all. It was just a little uncomfortable. I wasn't worried about the results, even though my best friend conquered breast cancer. I think subconsciously I thought nothing like that would happen to me. Think again.

I received a call from the hospital one year later saying I am due to have my mammogram. I was surprised as usually they do them every two years. Apparently, the Radiologist felt I had dense breasts and wanted me to begin having mammograms yearly. I call them lumpy breasts which, for the record, I was surprised about. They don't feel lumpy to me!  But I was impressed the hospital was  thorough and notified me of this change. So on December 11, 2013 I toddled off  to the hospital to have my second mammogram.

This time it hurt. It hurt a-LOT! The technician used a small plate (Whatever that means) and couldn't fit my boob on it properly.  My wish for her to switch to the larger plate to save me some agony was not granted! Ouch! When the scan was over I toddled off to work and enjoyed the rest of my day. Little did I know what lay ahead.

A couple of days later I received a call from the hospital asking me to come back in for another scan. I was a wee bit alarmed but only thought they wanted to redo the scan using the larger plate, like I had wished for all along! According to my friends who have had mammograms, this was a common routine. When I called back to confirm the appointment, I found out it was not a redo. Instead they saw something and wanted me to come in for an ultrasound.  I began to panic. An assortment of thoughts came flooding to my mind. Everyone brushed it off as just being routine and told me not to worry. But for me, it was a cause for worry and I couldn't brush it off. Of course I was praying all along but clearly I was not accepting God's offer of peace. Thoughts raced through my mind like, is this really happening to me...do I have breast cancer...why God, why me.  Finally I had to say to myself...STOP...many people go through this...you are not alone...don't let fear paralyze you...don't panic yet.

The day came for the ultrasound. All the volunteers and technicians were lovely and calming as I am sure they are used to the look of worry in women's eyes.  It was unnerving. Having the ultrasound go over and over repeatedly the spot on my breast they were concerned about was unnerving. Still worried I asked questions and the technician was vague but kind. Finally she told me she had to get the Radiologist so just relax.

Relax? I was awkwardly positioned on the bed and all alone. Tears began to stream down my face as I talked with God. Well I actually pleaded with God to spare my life. This was the first time I was confronted personally with the brevity of life.  Yet a peace soon came over me as I accepted the fact I could have breast cancer. What was I to do? Wallow in self pity?  Allow panic to ruin my life?  Or realize this could be God's plan, accept it and move forward with strength like thousands of women who have gone on before me in this battle. But, I did beg God  to reveal it was nothing.

The minutes, seeming like hours, passed as I awaited my fate.  Interrupting my thoughts, the Radiologist and technician calmly walked into the room. As they discussed my scan, I immediately knew all was okay. It was nothing apparently...just a swollen gland.  Relief filled my whole being.  The Radiologist left. The technician was giving me final instructions. I opened my mouth to say thank you but instead my tear ducts opened and expressed my thanks to this sweet, kind woman. She patted me on the hand and quietly whispered, "I know."

The sun was shining brilliantly on that cold December day as I walked to my car thanking God for sparing my life. I was shining brightly too!

Life continued to move on at a fast pace and there was no time for me to process the lessons my boobs were trying to teach me! Aye, but that is the lesson me thinks!

I need to stop. I need to pause. I need to find new ways to get rid of the stress that is slowly eating me so I won't get cancer. It was/is a wake up call.  It also allowed me to express my gratitude for a thorough health care system in this great country of my birth!

Life is a gift.  As I age gracefully, I need to remember to listen to my body and rest in arms of the One who created my beautiful body, mind and soul!

Summer Lesson

Every year this time I always exclaim, "I can't believe summer is over already!" And every year this time I am amazed at how fast my summer holidays fly by! Come Tuesday I am back to work for another school year, so it is time for me to take a breath and reflect on my summer before the crazy adventure starts! 

I am blessed to have such a long holiday and thoroughly enjoyed my time this summer. I did some camping, explored these incredible grotto caves that look like they belong in the Caribbean ocean. (I never knew these existed so close to where I live)! Visited with family, friends. Celebrated my dad's 80th birthday. Went to concerts, basketball games.  Shopped. Enjoyed the mornings on the balcony. Volunteered. Had to deal with a young man who hit my new car! Cried and laughed with my best friend allowing our friendship to go deeper. While on the other hand lost a dear friend who decided she wanted out of our 40 year friendship, which is still shocking to me because I didn't do anything wrong (I did swallow my pride and apologize with no strings attached)! It is a horrible place to be when someone does not forgive you but I have made peace and feel released. I know in my heart I wasn't at fault and have my arms open if she chooses to come back. 

I also had the opportunity to visit another church and it was at that service where I learned my biggest lesson this summer. I actually wept during the sermon, which was a bit embarrassing but I thought this is reality so let it flow! I'm not sure exactly why I reacted this way but loved the minister. She, yes it was a female minister, was wonderful and spoke so eloquently and was theologically sound! She spoke about when Jesus was visiting Mary and Martha's home (Luke 10). I was reminded that I need to sit at Jesus's feet and just be. Just listen. Sit still and listen to what God is calling me to do for this day. 

So every morning, I have been reading through the Psalms, and my "Echoes of Eternity" devotional book and asking, "GOD, WHAT ARE YOU CALLING ME TO DO TODAY?"

It has been amazing to me that so many times throughout the day, this question comes into my mind. It puts me back on track and allows me to focus on what is important at that moment. 

So as I enjoy the final days of summer and am ready to start the new school year and embark on a new adventure (I am starting my own part time business in direct sales....a nail wrap company coming to Canada called Jamberry Nails...stay tuned for more info), I will try my best to remain focused on listening to God and asking daily, "What are you calling me to do today God?"  

"Examine me God, from head to foot, order your battery of tests. Make sure I'm fit inside and out so I never lose sight of your love, but keep in step with you never missing a beat." (Psalm 26:2,3 The Message)

Healing from my sweet snow angel

"NC," my sweet snow angel, February 2013

I don't know why but the faith of a child is infectious!  I love how God used the innocent, matter-of- fact, faith of a precious four year old girl to teach me new significance about my faith.  This brown-eyed, humourous, young child with the best hairstyles, gently took my hand and led me down a path where my faith was free again. Restored.

     This sweet child has a wisdom about her that is beyond her years yet still maintains that innocent four year old flare. One day NC approached me and said matter-of-factly, "Miss W, my aunt, who is my dad's sister is black, my dad is black and I am black." I resisted the urge to use sarcasm in responding back to her and just smiled and said, "Really? Wonderful!" Later on that afternoon, she made another comment about being black so I immediately worried she was self conscious of her skin colour. I kindly spoke, " NC, God made us all different for a reason. He made you black and He made me white." Immediately she jumped into the conversation replying confidently, "No Miss W, God made you pink!"  I had to turn away and laugh! Indeed I am pink toned thanks to my Northern Irish roots! Wait until NC sees me in the summer. I am VERY berry pink!
    I quickly learned NC (remember she is a four year old) was a prayer warrior. And it was in her moments of random prayer throughout the year when God tenderly spoke to my heart: My child, you need that boldness and confidence in your prayers again. Don't be afraid, whatever the outcome. Pray expecting I will grant you the desires of your heart my child. And don't forget to pray, "In Jesus' name!"  One day a friend of mine received bad news--her husband was in a terrible work accident.  Under my breath I said, "I need to pray she makes it to the hospital safely." NC thought I was talking to her so she bowed her head and clasped her hands together right there and began to pray for this friend of mine and her husband. I declared, "Amen."  NC piped up and announced, "No Miss W, it is "in Jesus' name" Amen! She then bowed her head again and finished, "In Jesus name, A-MEN!"
     But what really rehabilitated my faith  was a seemingly "random" comment made by NC on a cold, blustery day. On this particular winter day I was actually very sad and feeling sorry for myself because I was not married nor had a family. (The usual hormonal feelings surfacing)! Part of the sadness was a fear I was experiencing that I would be left alone with no help when my parents die. I never vocalized these thoughts to anyone that day.  Anyway, "out of the blue," NC came over to me and whispered in my ear, "Miss W, don't worry God will make people for you so you won't be alone!" Then she toddled off and was gone!

Immediately I began to weep because I clearly knew this moment was a God-moment.  This moment was for me. God was reminding me that He is here, He is listening to me and He will never leave me alone. He WILL provide (and HAS provided) beautiful people along my journey who will care (and who have cared) for me so I won't be alone.  This moment also reminded me to come alongside and care for people in my life right now who appear to be alone so they won't be scared.

This precious angel, my snow angel, has a relationship with God that is so pure and special. She was in tune with God at that moment just when I needed a different perspective. I confidently believe God placed this precious child in my life for a reason. I am eternally grateful. I will pray for NC as she grows and matures into a young woman.  Praying she will continue, in love, to boldly speak truth into people's lives.

 I will never forget my beloved angel God sent to watch over me this year!

20-24 

"God made my life complete

when I placed all the pieces before him.

When I got my act together,

    he gave me a fresh start.

Now I’m alert to God’s ways;

    I don’t take God for granted.

Every day I review the ways he works;

    I try not to miss a trick.

I feel put back together,

    and I’m watching my step.

God rewrote the text of my life

    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes."

(Psalm 18: 20-24, The Message)

Light in the Shadows

I'm experiencing a minor crisis of faith at the minute. I'm not sure what is wrong. It could be this season of life or it could be the meds ( I have been sick for about a month thanks to the germs I ingest everyday at work from our wee kindergarten students)! Whatever is going on in my soul I am just plain tired. I do believe that at the core of my being, God is truth. However, I think I am just tired.  Tired of church. Tired of trying to sort through all my questions I have for God in the midst of so many horrible tragedies taking place in our world and in my own life. I am a person who likes to discuss the meaning of life and spiritual matters face to face with people who also like to discuss these things without judgement and with an open mind. But that circle of examination has dissipated and thus I have bottled up all my petitions inside and am now experiencing a bit of a crisis of faith! It feels good to sort through my thoughts in this forum even though it may not make sense to those reading this post! Part of me is angry at God -angry that He has not granted me the desires of my heart in spite of my faithful obedience. Angry that He doesn't seem to be listening to my prayers, although in my head I know He is. I wish I could be like some prayer warriors who faithfully pray daily, eagerly awaiting and trusting that God will answer their prayers even if it takes years. I thought I prayed with that boldness and fervour  but I suspect I lost a little of my faith somewhere along the path of my journey. I have found myself becoming a bit of a cynic which is something I never thought would happen! As I navigate through this season of my life, questioning the faith I have always known and clung to, I know I will come through the other side a bit scathed but hopefully stronger. Don't worry about me, I'm not ready to give up on Christianity just yet, I'm just rethinking my theology. In my Instagram photo below, the sun is casting shadows on the pure white, newly fallen snow.  Even in those shadows, the sun is offering hope-fresh, unblemished hope. Opportunity to restore faith that has waned to full strength again. For me, that light in the shadows is my promise from the One who created me in His image and accepts me unconditionally, even when I am experiencing a crisis of faith.

Fulfilling my duty as a Canadian citizen

Parliament Buildings, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

His words stopped me in my tracks and immediately made me feel sick to my stomach. This was real. I needed to take this matter seriously. 

Just over a year ago I received a questionnaire in the mail summoning me to fill out the information because my name was chosen to be considered for jury duty. By law I was compelled to proceed and mail in this questionnaire to the Attorney General. I didn't give it much thought until I received another summons in the mail in August.

This letter told me my name had been selected to potentially sit on a jury and I was to appear in court in October. I was actually sort of excited about this new adventure. Thankfully, my employers would still pay my salary if I was chosen to sit on the jury so I really had no worries. I was very interested to see how this process worked.  I imagined the case would be a "simple" one. I couldn't have been more wrong!

The day arrived and I showed up at court bumping into a former colleague of mine.  We made fast friends with other potential jurors and were enjoying our time in the waiting room.  We weighed the pros and cons of sitting on this jury should we be chosen. Finally the judge addressed all of us potential jurors  to explain how this process would work. I liked this judge.  First, he summoned into the court room those who had reasons for not serving on the jury. He was fair and compassionate. After this process was complete he began to explain the details of the case. It was at this point where I felt sick to my stomach. The "simple" case turned out to be a murder trial of a two year old child. I was in shock. Now I was torn. Part of me still wanted to see how our Canadian justice system worked yet I was scared to be chosen as I know I would see and hear horrendous details of this case.  

We were finally summoned to enter the court room. To my surprise, the accused was sitting with his lawyer front and centre. Another shock wave impacted my preparations for this duty-the most unnerving for me. I forgot that the accused is technically "innocent until proven guilty." I also didn't know that the accused has the right to help select the jurors for his case. My insides knotted even more as I looked the accused directly in the eye.I already had made up my mind he was guilty!  How could I be impartial if I was selected?

One by one, the court officer pulled jurors' numbers out of a drum and asked them to come to the front of the court room to stand before the judge, the lawyers and the accused. My name was never drawn. Relief filled my soul. However, I must admit I was disappointed. 

I followed the 6 week trial in the paper.  The accused was charged with first degree murder and two counts of assault. I am thankful our justice system did its job. I am thankful that little innocent boy 's family has some closure to this unspeakable tragedy. I am saddened to think this precious child's life was cut short by a senseless act.  I am thankful that I fulfilled my duty as a Canadian citizen so that precious, innocent boy 's voice was heard loud and clear. May he rest in peace and may his family find peace and hope again. 

Courage

What is the depth of your soul saying to you? Is it crying out for solace? Or is it at peace? You know that secret  place.  At the core of who you are. The real you. Masquerading as authenticity. The place nobody can touch.  Painful.  The place you want to ignore but it eventually finds you. Necessary to go there in order to find freedom. Freedom. Relief. Sweet relief. Soothing salve. What is the depth of your soul saying to you? Be honest. Risk. Listen. Freedom, peace, transparency and credibility await. You are courage.

How to win the Battle

  "The Lord will fight for you. All you need to do is stand still. Be still and know that I am God."

(Exodus 14:14)

My friend over at Feathers of Inspiration posted this verse one day on her blog. I couldn't believe how timely it was for me to read it that particular day. I needed the encouragement.  Standing still in the middle of a battle is difficult to do but wise advice. As I have mentioned, I  moved back home with my folks and then we all moved house. It has been the most stressful time in my life and the longest move ever! Packing up seniors is a slow process and change has been difficult for them at this stage in their life. Thus making it difficult on me!  I have had to cling to this verse daily! It is hard for me to be still. I am a natural peacemaker so want to try to resolve things on my own, which results in more stress (and me being miserable to live with)! God has reminded me that He will fight for me. I just need to be and let Him do the rest. After this difficult transition I know without a doubt He is God. I know without a doubt He is my stronghold. I know without a doubt God is greater. I know without a doubt He fights me me. I know without a doubt God, who is Peace, bestows peace daily on my restless, hurting soul. Remember...God will fight for you too. All you need to do is stand still! 

New Beginnings

"New feet within my garden go, 

New fingers stir the sod;

A troubadour upon the elm

Betrays the solitude.

New children play upon the green,

New weary sleep below;

And still the pensive spring returns, 

And still the punctual snow!"

(Emily Dickinson)

Spring is in the air which to me symbolizes new beginnings, an opportunity to start afresh. It is high time I began blogging again. I have missed it. I didn't purposely set out to stop blogging, I just allowed life to get in the way! In addition, I moved 2 weeks ago but it actually was a two month ordeal! As many of you know, I decided to move back with my folks to help them out with their health issues, etc. So we have all moved to a bigger space. It has been the most stressful time of my life. Have any of you moved Seniors? It presented many challenges I didn't expect. But, with the help of many of my AMAZING friends, we are here and settling in to our new digs. I am loving the new place but know it will take another month to get everything sorted! Here's to new beginnings and putting my creative energy to good use once again. See you soon!