Blind Dates and Babies

Is my biological clock ticking? Why do I suddenly feel I want a baby when I thought I was okay with not having children? I remember back when I was 35, something strange was happening to my body. I thought I was going through menopause! It is hard to explain except to say physiologically my body and I wanted a baby! I was angry at God for not allowing me this privilege of being a parent. After all, I had done everything right - followed the rules, had great insides that followed the rules each month - but, no husband and no baby. I went through what I call a grieving process. Is that process going to start again? Why does 40 seem to be the magic number where I think that everything goes down hill from here? Didn't I just read that "40 is the new 30?" Isn't life suppose to begin at 40? What happened to my optimistic view about turning 40? Didn't I just say I am excited about the adventures that await way down yonder? Where are all the single guys that were to sweep me off my feet before I turned 40? My dad even promised to buy the ring if they provided the boat and motor! How could anyone turn down that proposal? Why do all of my blind dates end up as great blind date stories ready to be told around the campfire? May I digress just a wee bit and share my two favourite blind date one-liners... The first one occurred in the middle of dinner. My blind date leaned over and said, "Karyne, I just want to let you know I am horny....I was hoping we could go back to my place and burn some candles." No thanks, I burn enough candles of my own! The second one occurred at a Starbucks with a different guy. My blind date said to me, (remember I'm an EA who works all day with autistic children) " I think I am autistic." About 5 minutes after he said this to me I saw one of my autistic students walk by our table! I couldn't believe the timing! Needless to say we didn't go on a second date!! I'm finished digressing. Back to the point of this post.... Wasn't I just reflecting on how amazing I feel at this stage in my life? I feel more confident, more sexy, more beautiful, more settled at the core of my being, more certain with my God -given intuition, more content in acknowledging this is where God wants me right now and more free to be me than I did when I was 30. I feel I am aging well, thanks to good genes. So, why all the questioning? Why all the self - doubt? Why am I still concerned about what people say about my marital status? Why have I given up on the prospect of more blind date adventures and babies? Why does it seem like my desire to be married and have children will not be realized because I am turning 40 and feel all hope is gone? The good news is I am not angry with God and my biological clock is working just fine!