The Kronicles of my Krazy Escapades
Saturday 25 February 2023
entering the mystery of lent
Lent 2023
Wednesday 30 November 2022
Holidays and Grief
Holidays and Grief
The experts don’t tell you what grief is really like. They have the process neatly wrapped in five stages- a formula that progresses step by step and eventually leads you to acceptance. What I have learned about grief in the last 2 years is it is not linear! Yes I am aware the grief journey is different for every single person. But I have a feeling most of us in the middle and muck of death are just trying to breathe and survive and are not fully intentional about which stage of grief we are in.
I am surprised when I am ambushed by grief on holidays. Logically I know holidays and celebrations will be difficult but I have been ambushed by grief in ways I never imagined or was prepared for. I was overcome on my birthday this year because it was the first one where those amazing humans that created me out of love ( well mom actually forgot to take her pill- it was a brand new concept in 1967) , who gave birth to me, who loved me unconditionally were absent for the first time in 55 years.
The approaching Christmas season is filling me with incredible anguish. I try to put on a brave face but inside I am broken. You know why? It caught me by surprise. It isn’t what you may think. It is because on Christmas Eve there won’t be a gift for me to unwrap. (Our family tradition was to open one gift on Christmas Eve) And when I wake up on Christmas morning, there will be no gifts for me. Unless I buy myself a gift but what is the point. I don’t share this for pity or for people to send me gifts. I share it because this is the reality of a single woman grieving the death of her parents on Christmas.
I knew this holiday would be difficult so I started to make plans so I wouldn’t be alone. I was going to travel overseas to my cousins in Northern Ireland but it turned out to be logistically challenging and very expensive. But then I got offered this new part time job at the Cathedral in Toronto so I am actually working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Plan B- I asked a friend if I could stay with them on Christmas Day when I am finished at the church so that will be great. I have a plan. I am still dreading the holidays. Although I have been in this place of grief not long ago. I need to hold on, breathe and walk with the emotions that pour out, not fear them. I am strong. My parents prepared me for this moment.
There is hope. This advent season is all about hope. As the poet John O’Donohue so eloquently writes, “when the work of grief is done, the wound of loss will heal…” The work of grief is not done in my life yet. That is okay. One day I will heal. But for now, I will grieve how I want because…
When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.
Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.
There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.
It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.
Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.
—by John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings
Sunday 2 May 2021
Why is this necklace meaningful to me?
Why is my mona cross choker from Lines and Currents Belfast, Northern Ireland, meaningful to me?
First, it is a reminder of my heritage. My maternal grandparents were born in Northern Ireland and had strong faith in God. I am grateful for this legacy passed down to me.
Second, it reminds me of the privilege I had last year (February 2020) of being with my mom as she lay dying from the complications of dementia. My mom was so proud her parents were from Northern Ireland and took us to visit so many times, even in the 80's during the troubles! These incredible holidays I experienced are one of the reasons I have a great love for Northern Ireland and love supporting small local businesses!
In those last weeks, my mom stopped eating and exhibited hurtful behaviour thanks to the horrible disease of dementia, I didn't know how to be in that space. Interestingly, a penpal of mine from NI spoke some beautiful words into my life after she read my IG post! She suggested I think of being in that difficult space as both a daughter and caregiver as a holy place, an altar. Just be still and allow my mom to lead-wherever that takes me. And pray for God to give me peace.
Those words were wise and allowed me to change my attitude into truly seeing my time with my mom as a privilege. I let go of how I wanted her dying to be and embraced the "dementia altar" as a holy space. I am grateful God allowed me to have this time with her even though it was so difficult.
That primal mother instinct, like breathing, does not stop until their very last breath. My mom was my mom right to the very end. It was so powerful. So beautiful. So holy. So peaceful.
Wearing this choker keeps my mom close and reminds me that God is always with me. I am reflecting my mom's love and her love of her roots everywhere I go in my mona cross choker!
Saturday 7 November 2020
5 facial oil HACKS to BOOST YOUR BEAUTY ROUTINE
Friday 9 October 2020
More than just a Style Session
Yet growing up I was part of a social/christian circle where strong women in leadership were silenced. We were not encouraged to have a voice. Please hear me. I am not bitter about my upbringing. I am grateful for all the positive experiences that helped shape the woman I am today. But I always wrestled with the fact my voice as a woman didn't seem to matter much. We were not encouraged in the area of leadership where I now know some of my gifts and abilities lie. I was not encouraged to have a voice and if I did, my thoughts were considered nonsense. Thank goodness my parents believed in me and encouraged me. But I definitely did not feel valued as a woman in leadership.
One thing that is continually surprising me about having my own business with Beautycounter is I am being exposed to strong women not only in this industry but other women in business who are making a difference. Who are rocking their businesses. It excites me! I want to be around those that inspire me!
I have this creative energy and leadership abilities that need to be utilized. But I also have this tape that has been running in my head for years, thanks to some childhood comments made by my siblings that says I am "socially inadequate." That says I not worthy. That says I am not smart. I am smart. I am worthy. I am smarter than many people know! Sadly I have been lacking confidence for far too long. Beautycounter has given me confidence, has given me a voice. I am one that needs to know I am making a difference in my part of this planet. This Beautycounter movement is changing laws. We are part of something big. I would have never approached my MP before to talk about the health regulation industry. Years ago,strong women fought for our right to vote and declare us persons. They battled mockery and persecution yet kept fighting for our rights. I am part of a movement that will have lasting impact on our world. It feels good to educate.It feels incredible to be surrounded by ordinary women who are making an impact. It feels good to have a voice without being silenced or turned away because I am a women. I am learning so much from these women and about myself. I met some incredible women not that long ago at a style session I had at Smithery Style!
I totally felt myself at my style session and loved the connections I made with these inspiring women. Shop your shape is their unofficial motto. They loved on me a huge dose of self confidence in my body that is changing for the worse in my opinion. Age + Menopause= not fun! But, I left feeling great in the clothes I was wearing gained some cool styling tips that will help me embrace this body God created and its ever changing tides.
Remember,
" You are free, you are powerful, you are good, you are love, you have value, you have a purpose. All is well." (Abraham Hicks) And you are fierce!
Monday 11 February 2019
Kind Words Only
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
(Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken)
Two roads diverge and I have choice to make. Take the path where the naysayers, doubters and critics are crowding the pathway with their negativity or take the path less travelled where I am guided through by words of affirmation that outnumber the criticism. Where I learn how to cope with the inevitable. That definitely will make all the difference.
Why do we feel we have the right to criticize and chime in on others’ lives. Why are we always quick to point out what others are doing wrong. Some allow us the privilege to speak into their lives yet most do not. In the age of social media we need to proceed with caution and hold back our opinions. Opinions that are not useful.
What if we thought of one thing someone is doing well. What if we shared that one thing with that person. I have a feeling that will make all the difference! We need more kind words spoken on our planet.
So today may we be ever so mindful of what comes out of our mouth. Be slow to speak and quick to listen.
Take the road less travelled. Walk confidently. Hold on tight to the safety of your tribe who believe in you, who walk beside you every step of the way. Who will ensure you run past those critics and reach the summit together where you will see life with a clearer perspective. Where, just maybe, kind words will conquer the world!
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#sundaymotivation
#roadlesstraveled #kindwords #lovemytribe #naysayersbegone